Thursday, March 29, 2012

I have Secondary PTSD.....say what?

In the days leading up to this wonderful gift I recieved (invitation to the washington retreat)  had mixed emotions.  I knew that alot of the women going would be living in, on or around Ft. Lewis.  This created an uneccessary amount of anxiety and a flood of horrible memories surrounding that place and the pain and stress it as a whole has caused my family in the past.  Just thinking that I really didnt want to have to relive that all over again by hearing other crazy horror storie about the place or the people in it I created an enormous amount of tension from the minute I left my house.  Of course I had a 6 hour drive by myself to stew in these emotions.  Not the best way to treat a road trip where the final destination is supposed to be relaxing and rejuvinatng.  I stopped to use the bathroom so many times of course the 64 ounces of water I consumed aong the way didnt help.  I figured what the heck.  I had some extra money so I stopped and walked around the factory stores for a bit for a little shopping therapy.  Not a good way to ease anxiety.  I bought perfume, a new wallet, bra and some other things that obviously werent important enough to remember that I purchased.  I realized that I had been off the road far too long and had to seriously make up some lost time.  It was all working in my favor until it started raining and the speed limit magically increased from 60mph to 70mph.  I didnt notice right away until people in priuses were passing me going 80.  So I joined in the race to nowhere.  Traffic bothers me.  I mean it makes me feel paranoid.  Every bad thing that could happen on the highway I can visualize while driving.  Wierdly enough if I am in the car long enough by myself my mind begins to wander and I start scanning the side of the highway thinking of interesting places that terrorists could bury IEDs.  Not that this would or ever will happen but the what ifs really make it hard for me to get those ideals out of my head.  On top of that I carry a stungun next to me out and ready just incase someone tries to get in my car.  I also carry it with me to rest area bathrooms.  I am too much of a pussy to carry a gun so a stun gun to me is less dangerous and easier to use. I  have personal reasons for not liking guns but that would be a whole new blog.  Anyways, I showed up late to the retreat which made me more nervous and more anxious.  Luckily I didnt mis dinner all together just had to walk into the dining room late and by myself and I felt like I was walking into a lion's den.  Everyone was already seated and mingling time was upon us.  I knew one woman there and I didnt even see her at first.  So I ws able to get a seat at a table full of girls who were wildly chattering about this and that.  Just my luck I get sat down next to the girl that asked what was wrong with my husband right out of the gate and I was a little hesitant seeing as how she had just told me that her husband had broken his ankle in a training accident stateside.  I wasnt sure what to respond with.  Was I in the right place.  Was I spontaneously transformed into Dorothy fro mthe Wizard of Oz?  Had I seriously driven 6 hours and end up at a retreat for spouses of husbands with training accident injuries.  I was in a unmotivated state of what is going on here.  So I told her how my husband was injured and that he served two branches and basically gave her the ultra shortened ciff's notes.  I finally found my friend after dinner and she and another helpful girl got me my goodie bag and my room assignment and I was told that I was given a room by myself but if anyone else showed up lateI would be assigned a room mate.  I am a nice girl but I was seriously hoping that the other person never showed because part of my anxiety was having to share a room with a stranger.  Would my room mate be nice, understanding, would they snore, would they be like the girl who's husband broke his ankle in a training accident, would she be just as nervous and anxious as me, would she even get along with me, would she be a messy room mate, would she keep me up all night talkig about dreaded Ft. Lewis?  So many things clouded my ability to get unwound.  So I got up to the room.  I unpacked some things but mostly left everything in bags.  I got my pajamas on.  Scouted the room for entry and exit points.  Made sure all the door locks worked and that they functoned like they should.  Messed with all the lights.  The fan.  The heat.  Analyzed the porch to make sure nobody could climb from the neighborin porch to mine which seemed possible so I didnt even really go out there.  That door stayed double locked.  Blinds closed tightly.  I finished eailing assignmens to my college instructors, pugged my cell phone in and sat in silence for atleast 30 minutes.  Checked the doors again and finally decided to invite my friend over for a glass of the wine that I brought incase I needed to calm down and unwind.  My friend just happened to get te roommate that I was nervous to get.  We drank wine, chatted about our husbands, our issues, the wy we handle things and just a nice calm chat.  After she left back to her room it was wierd but alot of the anxiety was gone.  This could have been the buzz or the fact that I needed sleep.  So it wasnt until around 2:00am that I was able to lay down and close my eyes.  I still got up to use the bathroom twice more and to check the locks, peaak out the peep hole in the door and pee out the blinds.  Atleast I had the fan to sooth me to sleep.  Woke up to my alarm and felt like poop.  Hungover, very sleepy and hungry.  Then the interacting begun.  After breakfast we made name tags and got started on the focus group stuff and getting into the meat of the retreat structured business.  Which I had no idea what  was in for.  We broke off into groups and did a checklist of PTSD symptoms for our husbands and a checklist for ourselves.  When asked if we got any relaxation the previous night I just laughed and the Dr. asked what was so funny and when I told him about my night he basically confirmed everything my husband and other people had been telling me for a while.  Basically I was smack dab in the middle of secondary PTSD and that mine seemed pretty bad.  I have switched roles with my husband and now I act like he used to.  Everything from my driving and sleeping habits to my mood swings and compulsive routines.  I snap at people, I complain alot, I ignore family, phone calls, miss appointments, am late to EVERYTHING....I dont sleep well, I have not much of a sex drive,  spend when depressed, I eat when depressed.  I go through anniversary date depression cycles.  I have no motivation to exercise.  I get naucious riding as the passenger in any car, I cant sleep and when I do I cant get up.  I am a walking tie bomb.  I have felt that I would be better off dead and that my family might be better off without me even I kow that isnt true.  I sometimes just cry for no reason.  I have even snapped at my daughter's friends.  I seriously didnt really put all this on the table and examine it like this before.  Now that I fully see it, its like a freight train running down the tracks with no brakes and I have no idea how to derail it.  I should have seen this coming and I should have prepared for it some how.  I was so busy making sure everyone else was happy, safe, fed, clean and not angry that I forgot to do the same for myself.  I surrounded myself with things and I volunteered for fundraisers, with my kid's school functios, and I buried myself so far into my college work that I actually forgot where I was until finals came and gone and school was out and I had time to breathe and think.  Now I feel like I dont wanna think.  I wanna be busy again.  Realistically though I am dying inside and have no idea how to fix myself.  I am a psych major and I know exactly what a psychologist will tell me or make me do.  I dont know if I am ready to fully deal with all of that.  I hate how all of this has come back and fallen right on my shoulders.  For the past 8 years I have been running from this and I feel like I have fallen and cant get back up. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

An anventure in another person's religion

SO the post holiday grumpies have set in.....I ruined my good eating habits on Thnksgiving and I cant quit eating these stupid little peppermint hershey kisses.  It is almost finals week and I think I am getting stressed out.  I have two huge projects coming up and three big tests in the next two weeks.  One of my projects is for this World Religions class.  Its hard to research in books and shit for me.  I dont retain much of what I read.  So I have chose to interview a local store owner about his religion and the common misinterpretations between Muslims and Hindus. The yare very much different.....Hinduism and Islam is very much different.  SO I am going to get his input on how he feels about his religion, the common confusion with the two, and get his perspective on how he and his family have been treated since 9/11 due to the common confusion between muslims and the hindu people.  Both are genuinely peaceful people give or take a few stereotypes.  So we have only covered two religions thus far in this term but since my husband was injured in Iraq I have had my share of negative feelings toward people who appear to resemble possible Iraqis.  You know I have learned so much in the past 7 years and my ignorance and intolerance has shed away and I have since taken the time to learn about the people of ther cultures so that I can cure myself of misconstruing situations like that.  I admit that I have made some horrible judgements in the past but in a sense I think we as humans do that naturally and unless we catch ourselves doing it then it will continue happening.  I feel like my project will be successful as long as I ask the questions appropriately, that is my biggest goal because when participating in something such as interviewing a person about their religious faith and such you have to be very careful not to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable.  Its going to take me all day just to get the questioning correct.  I am a bit nervous though.  Anyways this project I have taken the most time to think about because it is very important for me to get it right.  Alot of pressure I guess.  I want to represent these people that I am interviewing properly.  We shall see how it plays out.  I think it will be great.  Getting an inside perspective.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A subtle list of things that have already gone wrong today:

1.  Husband went to town to pick up table & chair rentals and misplaced his wallet
2.  Neither of two sinks in my house are working = no water = no hand washing
3.  The house is a disaster, gonna take forever to clean
4.  My husband has been irritated all day = not good for anyone
5.  The bag I was marinating my turkey in sprunk a leak in my fridge
6.  Th kids have no idea how it feels to step on legos
7.  I wasted all the wine marinating the turkey
8.  I just remembred that the only turkey roasting pan I had got thrown away last year due to rust
9.  The dog keeps opening the door and letting his wet self in
10.  Husband broke the storage unit doot putting stuff in but forgot to get out what I needed

Will add more later.......PTSD = chain reaction for worse things to come later......

Friday, November 18, 2011

Its official....I feel like shit!  Its day 4 of antibiotics and it eems like I am feeling worse but in a different way than before. no like!  On a more positive note I am taking the husband and the spawn to see Twilight tomarrow....I will take some Aleve tonight to hopefully get rid ofthis horrid headache and hope that it does not remain in the morning.....standing in line waiting to go into this movie with a headache will make for a violent interacton with hormonal preteens.....I wonder if I just yell.....Robert Pattinson is in the lobby if I can get further up the line.....I shall try.....I think the headache is taking over my thoughts.....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


After everything that we have been through as individuals, as a couple and as parents, I often feel like since we have experienced some really hard and terrible situations in the past 7 years, that it is sort of a mission for me to try and help every single person who is going through their own rough times that were similar to ours.  Since I found out my aunt had cancer, clear up till I found out she was terminl and even after she passed away, I have thought that if I could just help other people with cancer feel safe, loved and comforted it might ease my heartache.  I know that I technically am reliving my trauma over and over through that of others.  I cant ignore their need for support and I cant deny that I feel certain levels of empathy for their situations.  I sort of feel like now that our life is on a semi controlled, or more regular positive incline that I am obligated to show support for others.  I feel like I dont want anyone to ever have to go through what we have along this long, trecherous winding road called our life.  So I have continued over the past 5 years to be there and show my support for those who need it.  People say that I put myself out there too much and that I cant help everyone, but as I have matured and grown as a human being, woman, mother, daughter, student, wife and member of my community I have realized that it is our responsibility to take care of eachother however necessary.  Thinking back to when I was 15, 18, 21 years old....i would never have pictured myself in this type of life or even saying these words.  However I guess being in the psychology and human services field I always try to over analyze things and try to overextend myself.  I do love helping people though.....I just hope that someday I will be able to say that I have made a positive difference for someone if not for myself.  This is one of those blog entries where I feel like I have lready said too much.  I guess thats the point though!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Successful day in sicky sick lala land.....NOT!

Made it to the doctor this morning to have the doctor tell me what I already know.  Surprise surprise!  I'm sick.....bring on the antibiotics.  An upper respiratory infection, and eczema in the ears.  Never heard that one before but it does explain the non stop itching.  Oh and apparently I need an inhaler for my asthma.  I am a hot mess!  Minus the hot!  So here I sit spilling my guts about my productive day and as I say this I am remembering everything that I didnt get done.  So I think for a change I am going to play like I have a head injury.  The only excuse I can come up with is that I misplaced my 8 lists reminding me of the things I need to accomplish.  Without lists I am vapor!  Maybe I should download an app for my phone that act as lists so I always have them.....knowing my luck I will need a list to remind me to make a list.  My husband doesn't get to have all the fun around here.  Sometimes I wonder if he truly forgets to do things or if he uses the TBI as an excuse for screw ups.  Such as cereal in the fridge, milk in the pantry, dirty laundry into the washer not the dryer, or such instances as double booking appointments, forgetting to pick our child up....or is this just a man thing?  A good one is waiting over a year to make an appointment to have a recall issue adressed with our truck.  We recieved a notice in the mail stating that there was a recall issue with a part on our truck that needed replaced or repaired.  The consequences if this wasnt corrected was that the truck could stop running while driving down the road and cause a collision.  So guess what happens.....I am driving down the road last the truck.  As I am rounding a rather sharp corner the truck does this thing where it just turns gauges.....nothing.  So as I round the corner I notice that the truck is hard to steer and I almost cant make the corner to avoid oncoming traffic.  As I coast to a stop going 30 mph on a busy corner, I am lucky to get this beast of a truch fully off the shoulder out of the way of traffic.  I call a tow truck, call a ride and leave my husband a voicemail explaining the issue since he never answers that ringing piece of technology known to connect two people in a conversational situation....aka his cell phone.  Then he gets home and his dad was able to start it right up no problem.  We are obviously stumped after going through all of the possible issues.  Well as I was tearing my house apart in a fury yesterday during operation find specific document, among a clusterfuck of both necessary papers and unecessary papers;  Army, Marine Corps, VA, and other crap, all squished into a file cabinet in a rather unorganized I dont give a shit sort of manner.  I begin to organize not only the file cabinet, but the rest of the house.  By this time I was so pissed off cause everything was everywhere, I just happened to see this paper tacked to the husband's "to do list" board.  It was sort of poking out from behind another paper and I almost didnt see it.  I see of course that the paper clearly says Nissan right on it.  I open the paper and of course it was the recall notice.  Its states that an Engine Control Module relay may over time may cause the engine to stop running while the vehicle is in motion increasing risk of a crash.  Well no shit!  I wasnt sure whether to scream or I did both.  I held on to this paper so tightly until he came home and of course I had to show him the paper and explain the consequences for what this means.  I could have died in that truck and later the repair shop would have said, there was a recall and your negligence in taking proper action to resolve the issue caused your truck to crash.  Bye Bye  Anyways I am not mad about it.....but I cant leave him alone for a second.  Atleast he hasnt accidentally left the stove on.  He does however misplace his cell phone, wallet, keys, hat, sunglasses, and handicapped parking permit on a daily basis.  He is always asking me. where's the remote, have you seen my happy sock (night time shrinker stump sock), have you seen my chew (unfortunately that always gets found).  Never underestimate your husband's ability to forget anything and everything at any given time.  I think TBIs are

Monday, November 14, 2011

You need a document....lmao....take a number!

The husband needs a specific document for school registration.....he was in for just over 7 years, two branches, deployment, injuries, progress notes, medical records, file cabinets, manilla envelopes, paperclips.....uhhhh......I have no idea where to begin.....can I just blow it all up an begin again.....there has to be a better I really really neeeeed to keep every single paper.....cause what I really want to do is roast marshmallows over the embers.....sigh! I we go.....I really dont want to do this.....ok if anyone needs me I will be in the closet sucking my thumb rocking back and forth!

I feel like a sloth, smell like a yeti and look like a cavern beast!

I would just like to say that I do not like being sick at all. Whats even more worse is if Bill gets sick. When he gets sick his pain multiplies twice as fast as he would put it' "able bodied people." So I am hiding in my dark cave in my hoodie, under the blankets watching really bad TV. Reality shows, Dr. Phil, Sy Yes To The Dress, E!, Hillbilly Handfishing.....I have officially hit rock bottom in the what not to watch department. I should be doing homework but what I really want to do is burn my homework and take a shower. The shower takes effort and energy that I seem to have run out of.....and the dishes need washed which will indefinately not be on my to do list today....someone else can do that. However, someone else wont do that! As I sit and ponder my possibilities for the day I realize that Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away. We dont get paid until the day before we are supposed to eat an ass load of food. So I will likely have to climb from the depths of my overstuffed blankie pile to go to the store. If we become out of anything then whoever I send to recover said items from the grocery store will get everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. Which leaves me in charge of obtaining said items. Milk (skim rich orange cap), white bread, (which I dont even eat), candycane hot cocoa (cause I like it), some fresh veggies (cause I need to eat them if I want to survive), and two turkeys (think I will just go to the butcher to get them this year).........but until I muster up the energy to take that shower, mama aint goin anywhere! If there is no white bread the world may end.....its ok though cause I have nyquil and I wont be there for it!

Monday, September 19, 2011

I wish I were a fish....I am all over the place lol

Not really cause fish are yummy.....I was just sitting thinking.....sometimes I think too much and the I over analyze things. Havent gotten the dishwasher yet, but I am counting the days. Did get the oven fixed though so I was able to make Bill's sister's wedding cake. That was a whole new level of stress that I dont ever want to feel again. This cake was massive. I reay dislike making huge cakes that nobody is going to eat.....I think people underestimate the costto make these ginormous cakes and how much waste there will be. I thnk I am going to stick to cupcakes, small cakes, cookies and pastries. I like to do mini things, so I am going to focus on that. avent started the work out regime...I ended up getting a very painful ingrown hair in a very explicit area and it kept me from being able to really work out and it even affected how I walk and other things lol. So it has mostly healed and my doctor said I can start doing things that are more physical. Going to go swimming in the pool for the first time in over a month. I recently made a to do list for the hubby because we severely need to make some necessary repairs around the house. So he wasshocked by the list but he agreed. I was hoping that this would give him some man duties to do around here. He has hobbies which is good because I would rather him do something that iterests him than sitting on his ass being bored. He has become quite the outdoorsman lately. Gold panning, camping, racing and fixing RC cars, disc golf, riding his hand cycle, fishing (very successfully), and soon hunting. This means i have recently learned how to identify certain RC car parts and qualitites, what a blue bowl and a grizzly bar is, what different weights of discs are for, what a plug is, how to make a steelhead lure, what certain guns are for and why you cant just use a 22 for hunting....and I learned this summer how to start a fire with magnesium.....I am glad he has hobbies but I think I will stay indoors and do my wifey, baking, filleting fish, some ceaning duties, and such. Which makes me think I wanna make some cookies......I am haing a ladies movie night coming up oon so that should be fun. I am on a week long break from the hubby since he is in San Diego for his sports clinic thing. I am kind of wondering why there is never any kind of getaways for the ladies....kind of shitty cause I always get left at home with the kids and all the housework while he gets to do the fun day will come....cant really count the symposium a vacation because it was an emotional week of work and stress. I really didnt want to be there after realizing that it was the AFAP conference.....I am nonsupportive toward the Army unless its for the better good of the wounded and their families....I still cant get alot of my hatred toward them out of me....someday life will be a battle from time to time....well enough ranting for now.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Fatty McFatpants wants a dishwasher and a brownie?

I have been washing dishes by hand for a couple years now....seems like forever....but I get a dishwasher soon....and we finally ordered the part to fix the oven....I will be back in the technologically advanced era of housework....ugh....housework....atleast the machine will wash the dishes for me and the oven is alot better for baking than a toaster oven....major plus for me right now. I have also ordered a new cardio aerobics dvd set and I am going to try it....I told Bill that and he said another dvd huh. Yeah so I have been depressed for many years and lacked alot of motivation to take care of myself. The comment didnt help the motivation issue. So yeah after the weights, the bands, the step and pump class, the PE class, the YMCA membership, the Zumba dvds and the Wii fit.....I am a complete failure at getting sue me....anyway here we go again....I wanna say that this time is different but I am getting excited about it and I am going to try looks fun and energizing which may be what I need....we shall see....I just dont want to be an angry fat girl anymore. I wanna be the person everyone wants to be around. I wanna be able to look at a brownie and say eww where's the fruit plate....but I open the fride, glance at the salad and the semi healthy variety and shut the fridge and go for the crap....I dont know why but I hate it. I wanna step on the scale and be able to smile and I want my husband to look at me and say damn girl you are fine....but it has been a long time since I have heard that.....years....many of years....I get you look beautiful or you smell good, or you are pretty....but when you feel completely shitty about yourself there is nothing anyone can tell you that will register in your brain as being a truthful fact. Which is where I have been. I wasnt even this big when I was full term pregnant with a nine pound baby rolling around inside me....a size 20. Its gross, its embarassing, its a huge smack in the face and almost feels like a punishment for karma is saying I deserved this. I have been so close to just accepting that this is me and maybe I was meant to be like this. I lost 15 pounds this past spring....then gained it back faster than I lost it....its very discouraging. So I am attempting aonce again to regain myself image....not for anyone else but for me....I wanna be comfortable and I want to be able to love myself and be healthy....I hope this works....I am not taking the easy way out either with surgery or diet pills I am going to use good ol' fashion hard work....I am in for an awakening....crap here we go fasten your seatbelts....