Fatty McFatpants wants a dishwasher and a brownie?

I have been washing dishes by hand for a couple years now....seems like forever....but I get a dishwasher soon....and we finally ordered the part to fix the oven....I will be back in the technologically advanced era of housework....ugh....housework....atleast the machine will wash the dishes for me and the oven is alot better for baking than a toaster oven....major plus for me right now. I have also ordered a new cardio aerobics dvd set and I am going to try it....I told Bill that and he said another dvd huh. Yeah so I have been depressed for many years and lacked alot of motivation to take care of myself. The comment didnt help the motivation issue. So yeah after the weights, the bands, the step and pump class, the PE class, the YMCA membership, the Zumba dvds and the Wii fit.....I am a complete failure at getting motivated....so sue me....anyway here we go again....I wanna say that this time is different but I am getting excited about it and I am going to try TurboFire....it looks fun and energizing which may be what I need....we shall see....I just dont want to be an angry fat girl anymore. I wanna be the person everyone wants to be around. I wanna be able to look at a brownie and say eww where's the fruit plate....but I open the fride, glance at the salad and the semi healthy variety and shut the fridge and go for the crap....I dont know why but I hate it. I wanna step on the scale and be able to smile and I want my husband to look at me and say damn girl you are fine....but it has been a long time since I have heard that.....years....many of years....I get you look beautiful or you smell good, or you are pretty....but when you feel completely shitty about yourself there is nothing anyone can tell you that will register in your brain as being a truthful fact. Which is where I have been. I wasnt even this big when I was full term pregnant with a nine pound baby rolling around inside me....a size 20. Its gross, its embarassing, its a huge smack in the face and almost feels like a punishment for something....like karma is saying I deserved this. I have been so close to just accepting that this is me and maybe I was meant to be like this. I lost 15 pounds this past spring....then gained it back faster than I lost it....its very discouraging. So I am attempting aonce again to regain myself image....not for anyone else but for me....I wanna be comfortable and I want to be able to love myself and be healthy....I hope this works....I am not taking the easy way out either with surgery or diet pills I am going to use good ol' fashion hard work....I am in for an awakening....crap here we go fasten your seatbelts....