And I'm back!

I have just been reminded about how important it is to blog...especially when there isnt always a humanoid type of person around to vent to....or atleast one that will understand your inadequecies and kids just dont count because I try not to involve them in my depressing ventures in spouse on spouse combat. I cant remember if I blogged about this but back in September my Aunt Becky (my favorite and closest relative besides my parents) passed away from a two year long battle with cancer. They were able to remove her breast cancer and kill the cells with radiation but the cancer that surrounded her heart, lungs and esophagus came back even worse after a short time in remission. After two years of chemo, radiation and alot of ups and downs she passed away in her sleep the day after I said my goodbyes. The doctor informed her that survival at this point was a matter of how bad she wanted to live....more treatment may not have been able to save her life. So the doctor declared her terminal and she decided to go off her meds and just live as normal as possible until that day came. She went in not long after she stopped the chemo and radiation and had her PET scan and the tumors had taken over her body and they were everywhere. Although she was dying she looked ok and seemed chipper. I seen her on a Friday and by the next week she had become bloated, and really couldnt sit up on her own anymore. She couldnt talk and I think was in the process of letting go. I really thought that by going to see her that I could sit and chat with her and maybe reminisce a bit. I had no idea that I would really actually be witnessing her in the act of dying. In the time leading up to this moment that I dreaded, I kind of just told myself she would be fine and that the cancer would just go away and maybe the doctors were wrong. In doing this I completely ignored reality and what was going to happen. I hid my pain, I drowned my worry in keeping busy. There was nothing wrong, out of sight out of mind. The hard part was when she called and told me that she was going through her things and setting up boxes of her stuff that she wanted members of the family to have. She didnt want people fighting like they did when grandma and grandpa died. She was being smart and caring and was wrapping up loose ends and I hated that. I said why are you doing that you have plenty of time. I got my box and I left it sitting for a while and when she passed I kind of wish I wouldve spent more time with her. Other members of the family probably thought I just didnt care or didnt love her but the truth is that I was scared to have to see her and know that she was going to be leaving me forever and there wasnt anything that I could do about it. She was and always will be the most caring, creative, loving, respectful, honest, and fun person that I have ever loved. She was like a mother to me when mine wasnt around. She cared for me like another child and I was her only niece so we had a bond I guess you could say. I had a different relationship with her than I have with the rest of my family. When I went to visit her for the last time I expected her to wake up and say hi and she just layed there. She was in her night shirt on her bed and she was kind of lightly moaning I guess and I leaned in to kiss her cheek and I thought there is no way that her cheek should be that warm and soft if she was about to die. I told her that I loved her and I got no response but I know she knew I was there. She died the next night quietly and painlessly in her bed, her husband and her son was there with her. When I got the call I was in bed almost asleep and my phone rang....it was late....I knew when I saw who it was that I was in for a long night. I spent the rest of the night crying hoping to fall asleep and wake up and everything would be reversed and she didnt really die I was just dreaming. That was my hope....but hoping for the best wasnt a reality. She was gone....not just on a trip but gone forever. No more hugs, no more baking together, no more Relay fundraisers, no more calling Auntie Becky when I had a dilema. I still have her phone number programmed in my cell phone and sometimes I just play the ringer so I can pretend she is calling me. It has been 4 1/2 months and some days I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I joined Relay For Life because of her and she was my second in command, my team captain. We had two Relay seasons together while she was battling cancer and this year will be the first year without her at Relay and it is going to be hard. I can tell myself that I wont be devestated when they do the survivor lap and she isnt in it, or when we light the luminaria and her name is on a bag in memory of instead of in honor of, or when we set up and she isnt there to grip about how I set things up....I dont know what will happen but there will be tears and there will be somber moments....more so than before. I have decided to dedicate this Relay season in memory of her. She was my reason for participating and now its the event that I put the most work into each year. I want my part in this to mean something and in doing all of this venting I changed our team name and I am giving the team a fresh start so that we can continue and celebrate her life as if she were still here. I will post pics of Relay in July and I have some great new ideas for our tent site and I wish that she was here for me to share them with. For now they are top secret ideas and will be revealed in due time. This is the first time I have openly discussed this in depth. My feelings are still all over and I am still unable to accept why this happened to her. I guess that question may never be answered but atleast she had a fulfilling life with people who loved her. She didnt get the chance to be a grandma or to grow old and retire properly....but she was loved and she knew that.