Gone or lost.....but not forgotten

Losing a friend isnt like losing your car keys or your favorite pair of earrings. Its more like losing....well it isnt like losing anything else in the world. One day that are there making you laugh, being a helping hand, changing the world and gone the next. I dont have religious beliefs like some people do so I cant make assumptions on where people go when they die. From previous experience they are either burned into a chunky ashy substance to be spread about some beautiful location of your choice.....or they are drained of their being and thrown into a box to spend the rest of eternity being fertilizer. Its not much to look forward to when you are close to death. Most people dont have the option to know when they are going to die. I wouldnt want that constant reminder that my time is almost up. I dont want to have to feel different about my life and the way I have chosen to live it. I dont want to be on a timer.....that doesnt seem right or fair. When its my time I just hope that I am able to go peacefully in my sleep. I really shouldnt be rambling on about death....it isnt my most favorite topic for discussion. Lately though I have been thinking about it slightly more than not. I found out last year that my aunt, who I always considered my favorite and was somewhat like a mother to me when my own mother wasnt, had cancer. Two different types. She spent a whole year battling through chemo and radiation and all the other miscellaneous crap people deal with when they have cancer. After all this treatment and a lumpectomy she had scans done and her cancer was gone but they wanted her to continue being seen every so often to monitor her status. Well not too long after her cancer came back full force and so she had to start all this treatment over again only this time the chemo and radiation was much stronger and much more brutal. I couldnt imagine what it was like for her. She recently found out that her treatments were no longer working and that the cancer was spreading to other parts of her body. So she is officially no considered a terminal cancer patient. She has went off all treatments and is just continuing her life as she normally would until she can no longer function. I am not looking forward to that day or any other days after that. Its sad for me and so very unfortunate for our whole family because we arent just losing aunt becky.....we will be losing a wonderful, caring, creative, supportive, confident, outgoing, beautiful aunt, mother, sister, friend and human being. Which brings me to the recent death of my friend Craig, AKA Chili. He passed away on the 4th of July....the toxocology results arent back yet but his service will be sometime in the next week or so. Chili was a very good friend....he was very loyal, caring, generous, appreciative, outspoken, outgoing, obnoxious at times but we loved him for it. He helped me out when times where crazy and I had no one else to talk to. He was the first person I talked to just after hearing about Bill getting injured in Iraq. Chili being a former Marine had the knowlege and contacts to call around and get more information on Bill's status in Bagdad and Landschtul if thats even spelled right. He got me in contact with people who could give me information however very little. Chili was there for me when nobody else was. I thank him so much for that. He dated one...or more of my close friends and it was always aweful to see him treat them like queens and them treat him horible back. He had ongoing psychological issues with bi-polar disorder, schitzo effective disorder, ptsd, and was still at rock bottom from the drowning death of his toddler son. The VA never treated him fairly and almost never gave him the proper care. He ended up homeless and crazy at one point after one of his episodes.....did some jail time before being moved to a psych facility. He never really stood a chance because nobody but a few close friends could see into him regardless of his mental ailments. As a precaution I had to withhold my residence from him only for the safety and well being of my children. I regret having to do that but sometimes you have to protect your own from people even if they are important to you in some way. Its sad and unfortunate and I feel bad about not being there for him more as he was for all of us. It really is a tragic situation and we will miss him greately. Two years ago my friend Chayla who once dated Chili was also found dead in an alleged suicide attempt. So lately as you can see ever since Bill was almost killed in Iraq in 2004.....I have been surrounded by hell, death and destruction. Not sure what to make of all this.....but I just want a moment to breathe between losses.....its exhausting. My husband may not have perished in Iraq but part of him never came back and I am dealing with that daily still. As a result part of myself is also missing....hopefully it will be where my lost ipod is and my guchi sunglasses are.....I am hopeful.