technology rocks...

so i have just learned how to blog from my phone....ranting at the flip of a phone and the swipe of a button....sweet. so here goes....lol maybe i will blog more often now....we shall see.

I am a slacker....ugh....sorry

Funny I never got farther than a title on this post and it was sitting in the edit me area of the blog department waitng for me to come back and rekindle what I was thinking at the time I began this post....truth is I have no damn idea....lol....and my husband is the one with all of the head trauma....psht

I can admit

Ok I know that we should all be open minded and unbiased.....but its hard sometimes....I do try really hard....I just have a low tolerance for self induced stupidity (people who make themselves stupid by being stupid) not stupid people who just dont know any better....ok this is how I see it....there are people who just never really learned common sense and then there are the ones who are really really intelligent but let greed block the brain signal which allows a person to make reliable and responsible judgements based on what is truly acceptable in the world of "Hello what the fuck are you thinking".....AKA normal society if that even exists anymore....here is an example....a person driving 60 in the left lane when the speed limit is clearly 65 talking on the cell phone while eating a bowl of soup....I think she left the important part of herself back at the waffle house and what I really want to do is hit the gas and ram her with my truck so that she drops her cell phone, spills her hot soup on her $80 jeans and looks in the morror and realizes that she made some very "STUPID" choices....like getting into her car for one....people like that should just stay home....or die! Her greed allowed her to make those choices based on the mirage that she was the only person on the highway at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday....really....I have mastered the highway brake check also for people who believe that wherever it is that they have to go is way more important than everyone else on the highway....so they apparently must drive 85.....tailgate me and honk when I am already going 72 so that I can hurry ups and pass the dillhole in the slow lane swerving around in his lane cause he cant find whatever it was he dropped on the floorboard of his car....so then they honk at me....curse me....flip me off cause I dont want a ticket for speeding....no instead I tap the brakes and make them think that they are going to crash into the back of me....this works especially well when they give the oh shit look as they realize that they are way too close to my rear bumber for comfort....or then there is the lady that thinks she is badass cause she is driving her husband's bad ass huge truck lifted with the huge wheels and the chrome and the stereo that is up so loud that not only does she forever injure her children's tiny eardrums from the amount of base pumping out of her amplifier....but she doesnt hear the firetruck coming from a distance either....so instead of getting over off to the side like non stupid people do she tries to light a cigarette while driving and ends up rearending a car in front of her that was doing the right thing and pushes that car in front of an oncoming truck killing the children in that car. Or the ladies in Walmart on black friday that trample an old lady when the store opens cause their greed has driven them to clearly act like an animal

Creativity is the best therapy

So since the VA is payin me to get some higher learnin I figured that it would be the perfect time to get some art therapy at the goverment's expense. I will need a certain amount of elective credits anyway so I am getting them in now while I am not the one paying for it. So last spring I took water colors....it was a great class and I had never painted with water colors before. Now I love it! I was always more of an oil and acrylic painter. Now I can say I have done a little of everything. This term I am taking ceramics handbuilding. I have worked with clay before but not in this extreme. So far I have made a flower pot, 2 small pinch pots, a turtle which my 5 year old has alreadt claimed, two oversized mugs and we are getting ready to do ceramic tile carvings. I have my clay slabs rolled out nad cut to size now I am working on ideas of what to carve in them. We have been also learning about firing, glazes and glaze science. Its so interesting and fun. Its nice because while I am working in the studio or the workshop I dont really thin of anything else. If I am having an off day then I can punch clay or build something and then squash it and start over. We have specific requirments to learn techniques but in general when we arent working on the required projects....we get to do whatever we want as long as it is something constructive. So these art classes are like creative freedom molded into therapy. Its nice because every Friday for 5 hours I can just get away from reality and just be myself in a creative way with no husband, no kids, no drama, its just me and the clay and I get to block out life for those 5 hours. If I want also on Mondays and Wednesdays I can go in there and work from noon to 5....so honestly I can do this three days a week. The only thing that isnt included in tuition is the tools and clay which isnt bad considering that you get everything you need at your fingertips whenever you need it. It is a time consuming process of hurry up and wait when your pieces are drying but its like magic watching them transform from a ball of wet clay, to a dry peice of clay, to a bisque fired object, to a glazed fully fired fully operational work of art that you build with your hands and a few tools. Most of the pieces that we build are very useable. Ceramic bowls, mugs, cups, teapots, birdbaths, plates, jars, banks, cookie jars, vases, stepping stones, ornaments, and basic decorations. I saw a flying pig, a teapot with a cock as the spout, beautiful flower pots, giant shiny vases, handmade ceramic anything.....if you can imagine it then you can build it. I think next term I will take a drawing class, or maybe sculpting....who knows my possibilities are unimagineabley huge. I used to be very creative and artsy before Bill and I got together...I used to draw, paint, write poetry and then when he got hurt and my son was born I guess I kind of lost the feeling I get when I create something. I am slowly beginning to get it back and it feels really good. I have heard before that art and creativity is a good way to either escape or to release....I think that is why I am so in love with the arts. My advice to anyone who reads this....take a class and learn something you have never done before. Get creative, build something, paint something, get a hobby....do something for yourself....because if I know most women do more for others than for themselves....I decided that it is my turn to do something that I love. Dont wait and regret that you never tried something....do it while you have the chance....then maybe you can teach someone else.

And I'm back!

I have just been reminded about how important it is to blog...especially when there isnt always a humanoid type of person around to vent to....or atleast one that will understand your inadequecies and kids just dont count because I try not to involve them in my depressing ventures in spouse on spouse combat. I cant remember if I blogged about this but back in September my Aunt Becky (my favorite and closest relative besides my parents) passed away from a two year long battle with cancer. They were able to remove her breast cancer and kill the cells with radiation but the cancer that surrounded her heart, lungs and esophagus came back even worse after a short time in remission. After two years of chemo, radiation and alot of ups and downs she passed away in her sleep the day after I said my goodbyes. The doctor informed her that survival at this point was a matter of how bad she wanted to live....more treatment may not have been able to save her life. So the doctor declared her terminal and she decided to go off her meds and just live as normal as possible until that day came. She went in not long after she stopped the chemo and radiation and had her PET scan and the tumors had taken over her body and they were everywhere. Although she was dying she looked ok and seemed chipper. I seen her on a Friday and by the next week she had become bloated, and really couldnt sit up on her own anymore. She couldnt talk and I think was in the process of letting go. I really thought that by going to see her that I could sit and chat with her and maybe reminisce a bit. I had no idea that I would really actually be witnessing her in the act of dying. In the time leading up to this moment that I dreaded, I kind of just told myself she would be fine and that the cancer would just go away and maybe the doctors were wrong. In doing this I completely ignored reality and what was going to happen. I hid my pain, I drowned my worry in keeping busy. There was nothing wrong, out of sight out of mind. The hard part was when she called and told me that she was going through her things and setting up boxes of her stuff that she wanted members of the family to have. She didnt want people fighting like they did when grandma and grandpa died. She was being smart and caring and was wrapping up loose ends and I hated that. I said why are you doing that you have plenty of time. I got my box and I left it sitting for a while and when she passed I kind of wish I wouldve spent more time with her. Other members of the family probably thought I just didnt care or didnt love her but the truth is that I was scared to have to see her and know that she was going to be leaving me forever and there wasnt anything that I could do about it. She was and always will be the most caring, creative, loving, respectful, honest, and fun person that I have ever loved. She was like a mother to me when mine wasnt around. She cared for me like another child and I was her only niece so we had a bond I guess you could say. I had a different relationship with her than I have with the rest of my family. When I went to visit her for the last time I expected her to wake up and say hi and she just layed there. She was in her night shirt on her bed and she was kind of lightly moaning I guess and I leaned in to kiss her cheek and I thought there is no way that her cheek should be that warm and soft if she was about to die. I told her that I loved her and I got no response but I know she knew I was there. She died the next night quietly and painlessly in her bed, her husband and her son was there with her. When I got the call I was in bed almost asleep and my phone rang....it was late....I knew when I saw who it was that I was in for a long night. I spent the rest of the night crying hoping to fall asleep and wake up and everything would be reversed and she didnt really die I was just dreaming. That was my hope....but hoping for the best wasnt a reality. She was gone....not just on a trip but gone forever. No more hugs, no more baking together, no more Relay fundraisers, no more calling Auntie Becky when I had a dilema. I still have her phone number programmed in my cell phone and sometimes I just play the ringer so I can pretend she is calling me. It has been 4 1/2 months and some days I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I joined Relay For Life because of her and she was my second in command, my team captain. We had two Relay seasons together while she was battling cancer and this year will be the first year without her at Relay and it is going to be hard. I can tell myself that I wont be devestated when they do the survivor lap and she isnt in it, or when we light the luminaria and her name is on a bag in memory of instead of in honor of, or when we set up and she isnt there to grip about how I set things up....I dont know what will happen but there will be tears and there will be somber moments....more so than before. I have decided to dedicate this Relay season in memory of her. She was my reason for participating and now its the event that I put the most work into each year. I want my part in this to mean something and in doing all of this venting I changed our team name and I am giving the team a fresh start so that we can continue and celebrate her life as if she were still here. I will post pics of Relay in July and I have some great new ideas for our tent site and I wish that she was here for me to share them with. For now they are top secret ideas and will be revealed in due time. This is the first time I have openly discussed this in depth. My feelings are still all over and I am still unable to accept why this happened to her. I guess that question may never be answered but atleast she had a fulfilling life with people who loved her. She didnt get the chance to be a grandma or to grow old and retire properly....but she was loved and she knew that.

Taking a break & the calm before the storm

So the next few weeks signify the calm before the storm....the three weeks prior to school starting. My son starts kintergarten, my daughter starts her first year of middle school or (what was called junior high when I was there) and I start my second year of college. I know what I want to do but what I want to do means three degrees because I am an indecisive women who wants to do it all because I can. I dont know what that means! Anyway I want to be some sort of school psychologist, teacher and teach culinary arts all at the same time. I dont know how I am going to do it but that is what I am going to work on accomplishing. In the meantime Bill needs to find a hobby or something that he likes to do in the wake of all of this madness so that he wont be lonely, bored and stressed out of his mind. Which is likely to happen anyway. So I am going to take a break and find some fun things to do during the next few weeks that dont take much planning or preperation. I need a break desperately with everything that has happended lately. Bill has been able to go fishing, camping and just go hang out with his friends and I havent gotten do do anything remotely similar in I dont know how long. He is at the point in his life now where we wants me by his side 24/7 and its exhausting because I need alone time for myself. I almost have one or both of my children with me if not him and both of them so I just need my own time and space. Kids and men dont understand that. There are times where I felt like just getting in the car and driving an hour to the beach and just spending the day alone napping on the beach and walking searching for shells or even browsing in small shops. The point is that I can go at my own pace without having to deal with whining kids, prosthetic legs not fitting and pre-teen cell drama. I am doing my grocery list and monthly menu today, writing up menu cards to get them ready for laminating. Just small tedious things that women do that men do not understand or want any part of. Bill is updating and downloading music and my son is playing the wii and Autumn is at her dad's house....it is chill....no drama....no fighting....and I am going to go take a bath. Its the least I can do to take care of myself today. The house is clean the boys are fed and now its time for me.

Adventures in asking for help....

SO its hard enough to ask for help repeatedly.....its embarrassing....degrading.....belittling....agrivating.....and most possibly the worst thing to have to do as independant adults who at our point in life shouldnt be having to do.....but then to be repeatedly told no we cant help you.....you dont qualify.....you dont rate help from us....you arent wounded enough (meaning you arent drooling on yourself in a hospital bed)....you didnt go to the right hospital....you arent high enough ranked.....you arent in the clique.....you havent served long enough.....you didnt ask for help soon enough.....you arent broke enough.....you live on the west coast not the east coast....the list can go on and on....its amazing what a wounded man with as many injuries and health problems as my husband is not qualified for.....there are spouses out there whos husbands have lesser injuries than my husband who get more help than he does.....its both disturbing and sad.....unfortunate and tragic to sit back and be told no so many times when there are people not even from our country getting better treatment here. I hate being in this situation. Part of me just thinks that if he killed himself people wouldnt even care....he would just be another casualty of the PTSD war. The war has been over for him since he was injured.....but it hasnt....it wages on....I think for him....ok I know for him that the war he/we are now fighting is worse than any firefight you could throw at us. The bombs in our war are much different.....they devestate, mangle and tear up your mind, your heart and your soul.....and then some. My family will never be the same again. I would rather take a bullet to the heart than to sit here and watch the devestation that has unfolded in our lives. People can sit there and say what they want but they will never understand what we have been through and how much the past continues to do to our future. Other people get to move on with their lives and grow and live their lives while their children grow up and its a happy time.....while we are stuck in a time warp where everything spins in a circle contantly stopping on the same space of the game board.....its like being on a horrible carnival ride that you cant get off of.....your mind spins so fast and thinking properly is clouded by the constant chunk rising in the back of your throat and the urge to just jump off and hope that you dont feel the pain when you hit the ground. I dont really feel physical pain anymore and emotionally I am ragged....I have probably aged ten years in the past five. My kids.....oh gosh....my kids do not deserve to live this life. They have done nothing to be subjected to this kind of life.....I know its no good for them and I try the best I can with what I have left in me. I dont want them to hate me for something completely out of my hands. I want more good days between bad ones.....I want to smile and mean it.....I want to enjoy spending time with my husband.....and I want to feel like the home I live in isnt out to get me. I just want to be happy.....and I want my family to be happy....money cant buy that.....but support can and we havent even gotten that.....not from the right people anyway.....we are an ant in an anthill....another number.....just a grain of sand.....thats all we are.

Ghetto in the suburbs

So I have always joked that we are ghetto. I have since changed my mind....we are more of a combination of redneck, white trash and something from a Stephen King movie. We no longer have the car sitting in the yard that we dont drive. Yeah thats right Bill finally sold his mustang. Now we can buy a new front door for our house. Who wouldve thought those things would cost so much. I know you are probably thinking....if you are as redneck as you say then surely you could just go to a trailer wrecking yard and find another....oh no sir....we live in a house and those doors cost bucks....and plus I want my kids to be safe. I have a dog but I dont think he bites....he barks when he hears someone pull up in our reched driveway or walk up to the door.....but he sounds harmless. I also invested in a stungun a few years back and have been lucky enough to not have to use thus far. I am itching to see what it would do to a full grown pedophile though. So Bill thought since he sold the mustang....his favorite car.....his pride and joy....that he would never have to see it again and the burden of having to sell it would be long gone....out of sight out of mind. Turns out he sold it to a marine corps recruiter who lives directly next door to his buddy. Talk about smack in the face. Now every time he goes to visit his friend....that car is going to haunt him. Such a bummer. Off of the car subject Bill and I have been fighting like cats and dogs.....all claws out....I gotta say out of Bill's whole unit that went to Iraq, we are the only couple that has stayed together through the wake of the deployment from hell. The rest of them didnt even have the kind of issues that we had and still have and they all buckled under the pressure. Either we are seriously meant for eachother or I an just real stupid and put up with alot of shit. There are so many variables leading to our spats....mostly his forgetfullness, lack of compassion and my newly aquired spousal PTSD, which I cant rally blame on a guy with a TBI. I want someone to be punished though so badly and I want someone to feel bad and apologize and take the blame.....but the only people who are to blame are the ones calling the shots. They will never own it....will never admit their wrongs and will never take responsibility. SO the next time when someone asks me why I wear a Marine Corps t-shirt proudly but own not one Army or National Guard item.....I can simply say because I have standards.....and they do not include supporting a group of irresponsible, inconsiderate, uncaring, backstabbing, bitches who have no idea how to take care of their men, their families or their wounded. See now I got all worked up and am rambling and I will get carried away and I wont stop speaking my mind. I gotta get some rest. Time for a coctail and a sleeping pill.....just joking....none of that for me. A glass of wine and a hot bath sounds fabulous though. So you can be civilized and still be ghetto.....as long as there is wine involved.....the ghetto part comes when you hook up a beer bong for wine.

A home called hell.....

SO on top of my huband being absolutely positive that his dead mother who killed herself is haunting us and has cursed our house.....we cant seem to keep up on repairs on our house that is slowly falling apart piece by piece. Not only is it just old and apparently fragile....it isnt the type of sturdily built home made for someone with ptsd. Everything was put together very cheap and almost half assed when it was built back when I was 10 years old.....it was for sale by owner and we were desperate with our son close to being born. A tiny two bedroom apartment wouldnt cut it for long. Do we bought this house. Small 1000 sq. ft home with three bedrooms, a decent sized yard and it was in a quiet culdesac next to a park. What could get better than that right. This is what happens when you look at right now in the moment instead of down the road into the future. Who would have guessed the economy would go flat like an old lady's butt. It is hard enough to get someone with severe ptsd and severe injuries to put their clothes away and clean up after themselves and them still have enough patience, energy and motivation to work on their house....especially when a portion of the repairs are as a direct result of anger, ptsd, rage, unfortunate wheelchair damage and mishaps that may have been preventable. So once things begin to go bad, the repairs begin to stack up and before you know it nothing works, everything is broke and that causes more chaos on top of the aready unstable environment in which I limbo. SO here is a list of current projects that are either half started, half finished or just lingering for lack of motivation:

Dishwasher.....broke....leaked....we removed it....now no dishawasher
Replaced Fridge
Replaced Range
Replacing broken and leaking kitchen faucet as we speak
Finally after 3 years hooked up the water that makes ice in our fridge
Multiple holes in walls, doors, closets,
Burned out TV bulb....no tv in our livingroom now....those things are over $100 bucks...sheesh
Our garage door is broken....wont open.....at all
Our electrical is fried....some outlets work....some dont....some flip breakers....some blow bulbs
Our hardwood floor is coming apart
The carpet in the kid's bedrooms is so stained and gross
Our yard floods
Finally got grass
Our bathtub faucet.....drips constantly.....super annoying
The fan and lights in the bathroom have a short and turn off whenever they want
Missing closet doors
The inside is half painted and half not
Our back garage door no longer locks without a makeshfit latch that my husband installed
Our front door is broken and barely stays shut when not locked
The trim is coming away from the doors and walls
There is no trim on a bunch of our doors
Replaced the range hood
Relaced toilet
Widened bedroom and our bathroom doors for wheelchair access.....crappy job well done.....lol

I am probably missing some things but of course I think this is a pretty good idea of the kinds of things we are working on. Its a slow process though because my husband isnt in the kind of shape as a contractor is....he is still having surgeries from his injuries back in 2004. SO I really would like a little bit of understanding from people when I say I am or have been too busy to be a human being. I feel more like a robot on auto pilot or a zombie or something. Anyway as of now my husband is under the sink, leg off, trying to fix a leak that has occured from the installation of the hose that goes to the fridge to make tha water work to make ice.....he was going to install the new faucet.....but he got stuck fixing the leak first before he even got to the faucet.....its so tragic and annoying at the same time. Hopefully I will buy that huge winning lottery ticket some day when I can afford to take a gamble on that possibility....so if I say I am busy.....then that means I am. Nobody has a clue about my life and what I deal with everyday. I cannot even speak the proper words to describe my feelings and the ins and outs of my life.....I cant explain it now and I probably will never be able to. Thats just the way it is.....and when someone asks how I am doing and they get a blank stare.....should I feel guilty about giving that look or should I feel like a bitch when someone inquires of my well being and I just give them a twisted smile that makes me look half depressed and psychotic. Whatever.....thats all I got at times....its hard to pull a fake smile outta my ass.....I thought I would be an expert at faking how I am feeling but I just got so tired of putting on an act that now I just dont care. Argggg.....venting over.....sometimes I love blogging and sometimes I feel like its a waste of time but who else am I gonna talk to.....hahahahahahaha.....exactly.

Gone or lost.....but not forgotten

Losing a friend isnt like losing your car keys or your favorite pair of earrings. Its more like losing....well it isnt like losing anything else in the world. One day that are there making you laugh, being a helping hand, changing the world and gone the next. I dont have religious beliefs like some people do so I cant make assumptions on where people go when they die. From previous experience they are either burned into a chunky ashy substance to be spread about some beautiful location of your choice.....or they are drained of their being and thrown into a box to spend the rest of eternity being fertilizer. Its not much to look forward to when you are close to death. Most people dont have the option to know when they are going to die. I wouldnt want that constant reminder that my time is almost up. I dont want to have to feel different about my life and the way I have chosen to live it. I dont want to be on a timer.....that doesnt seem right or fair. When its my time I just hope that I am able to go peacefully in my sleep. I really shouldnt be rambling on about death....it isnt my most favorite topic for discussion. Lately though I have been thinking about it slightly more than not. I found out last year that my aunt, who I always considered my favorite and was somewhat like a mother to me when my own mother wasnt, had cancer. Two different types. She spent a whole year battling through chemo and radiation and all the other miscellaneous crap people deal with when they have cancer. After all this treatment and a lumpectomy she had scans done and her cancer was gone but they wanted her to continue being seen every so often to monitor her status. Well not too long after her cancer came back full force and so she had to start all this treatment over again only this time the chemo and radiation was much stronger and much more brutal. I couldnt imagine what it was like for her. She recently found out that her treatments were no longer working and that the cancer was spreading to other parts of her body. So she is officially no considered a terminal cancer patient. She has went off all treatments and is just continuing her life as she normally would until she can no longer function. I am not looking forward to that day or any other days after that. Its sad for me and so very unfortunate for our whole family because we arent just losing aunt becky.....we will be losing a wonderful, caring, creative, supportive, confident, outgoing, beautiful aunt, mother, sister, friend and human being. Which brings me to the recent death of my friend Craig, AKA Chili. He passed away on the 4th of July....the toxocology results arent back yet but his service will be sometime in the next week or so. Chili was a very good friend....he was very loyal, caring, generous, appreciative, outspoken, outgoing, obnoxious at times but we loved him for it. He helped me out when times where crazy and I had no one else to talk to. He was the first person I talked to just after hearing about Bill getting injured in Iraq. Chili being a former Marine had the knowlege and contacts to call around and get more information on Bill's status in Bagdad and Landschtul if thats even spelled right. He got me in contact with people who could give me information however very little. Chili was there for me when nobody else was. I thank him so much for that. He dated one...or more of my close friends and it was always aweful to see him treat them like queens and them treat him horible back. He had ongoing psychological issues with bi-polar disorder, schitzo effective disorder, ptsd, and was still at rock bottom from the drowning death of his toddler son. The VA never treated him fairly and almost never gave him the proper care. He ended up homeless and crazy at one point after one of his episodes.....did some jail time before being moved to a psych facility. He never really stood a chance because nobody but a few close friends could see into him regardless of his mental ailments. As a precaution I had to withhold my residence from him only for the safety and well being of my children. I regret having to do that but sometimes you have to protect your own from people even if they are important to you in some way. Its sad and unfortunate and I feel bad about not being there for him more as he was for all of us. It really is a tragic situation and we will miss him greately. Two years ago my friend Chayla who once dated Chili was also found dead in an alleged suicide attempt. So lately as you can see ever since Bill was almost killed in Iraq in 2004.....I have been surrounded by hell, death and destruction. Not sure what to make of all this.....but I just want a moment to breathe between losses.....its exhausting. My husband may not have perished in Iraq but part of him never came back and I am dealing with that daily still. As a result part of myself is also missing....hopefully it will be where my lost ipod is and my guchi sunglasses are.....I am hopeful.