Adventures in asking for help....

SO its hard enough to ask for help repeatedly.....its embarrassing....degrading.....belittling....agrivating.....and most possibly the worst thing to have to do as independant adults who at our point in life shouldnt be having to do.....but then to be repeatedly told no we cant help you.....you dont qualify.....you dont rate help from us....you arent wounded enough (meaning you arent drooling on yourself in a hospital bed)....you didnt go to the right hospital....you arent high enough ranked.....you arent in the clique.....you havent served long enough.....you didnt ask for help soon enough.....you arent broke enough.....you live on the west coast not the east coast....the list can go on and on....its amazing what a wounded man with as many injuries and health problems as my husband is not qualified for.....there are spouses out there whos husbands have lesser injuries than my husband who get more help than he does.....its both disturbing and sad.....unfortunate and tragic to sit back and be told no so many times when there are people not even from our country getting better treatment here. I hate being in this situation. Part of me just thinks that if he killed himself people wouldnt even care....he would just be another casualty of the PTSD war. The war has been over for him since he was injured.....but it hasnt....it wages on....I think for him....ok I know for him that the war he/we are now fighting is worse than any firefight you could throw at us. The bombs in our war are much different.....they devestate, mangle and tear up your mind, your heart and your soul.....and then some. My family will never be the same again. I would rather take a bullet to the heart than to sit here and watch the devestation that has unfolded in our lives. People can sit there and say what they want but they will never understand what we have been through and how much the past continues to do to our future. Other people get to move on with their lives and grow and live their lives while their children grow up and its a happy time.....while we are stuck in a time warp where everything spins in a circle contantly stopping on the same space of the game board.....its like being on a horrible carnival ride that you cant get off of.....your mind spins so fast and thinking properly is clouded by the constant chunk rising in the back of your throat and the urge to just jump off and hope that you dont feel the pain when you hit the ground. I dont really feel physical pain anymore and emotionally I am ragged....I have probably aged ten years in the past five. My kids.....oh gosh....my kids do not deserve to live this life. They have done nothing to be subjected to this kind of life.....I know its no good for them and I try the best I can with what I have left in me. I dont want them to hate me for something completely out of my hands. I want more good days between bad ones.....I want to smile and mean it.....I want to enjoy spending time with my husband.....and I want to feel like the home I live in isnt out to get me. I just want to be happy.....and I want my family to be happy....money cant buy that.....but support can and we havent even gotten that.....not from the right people anyway.....we are an ant in an anthill....another number.....just a grain of sand.....thats all we are.