I have Secondary PTSD.....say what?

In the days leading up to this wonderful gift I recieved (invitation to the washington retreat)  had mixed emotions.  I knew that alot of the women going would be living in, on or around Ft. Lewis.  This created an uneccessary amount of anxiety and a flood of horrible memories surrounding that place and the pain and stress it as a whole has caused my family in the past.  Just thinking that I really didnt want to have to relive that all over again by hearing other crazy horror storie about the place or the people in it I created an enormous amount of tension from the minute I left my house.  Of course I had a 6 hour drive by myself to stew in these emotions.  Not the best way to treat a road trip where the final destination is supposed to be relaxing and rejuvinatng.  I stopped to use the bathroom so many times of course the 64 ounces of water I consumed aong the way didnt help.  I figured what the heck.  I had some extra money so I stopped and walked around the factory stores for a bit for a little shopping therapy.  Not a good way to ease anxiety.  I bought perfume, a new wallet, bra and some other things that obviously werent important enough to remember that I purchased.  I realized that I had been off the road far too long and had to seriously make up some lost time.  It was all working in my favor until it started raining and the speed limit magically increased from 60mph to 70mph.  I didnt notice right away until people in priuses were passing me going 80.  So I joined in the race to nowhere.  Traffic bothers me.  I mean it makes me feel paranoid.  Every bad thing that could happen on the highway I can visualize while driving.  Wierdly enough if I am in the car long enough by myself my mind begins to wander and I start scanning the side of the highway thinking of interesting places that terrorists could bury IEDs.  Not that this would or ever will happen but the what ifs really make it hard for me to get those ideals out of my head.  On top of that I carry a stungun next to me out and ready just incase someone tries to get in my car.  I also carry it with me to rest area bathrooms.  I am too much of a pussy to carry a gun so a stun gun to me is less dangerous and easier to use. I  have personal reasons for not liking guns but that would be a whole new blog.  Anyways, I showed up late to the retreat which made me more nervous and more anxious.  Luckily I didnt mis dinner all together just had to walk into the dining room late and by myself and I felt like I was walking into a lion's den.  Everyone was already seated and mingling time was upon us.  I knew one woman there and I didnt even see her at first.  So I ws able to get a seat at a table full of girls who were wildly chattering about this and that.  Just my luck I get sat down next to the girl that asked what was wrong with my husband right out of the gate and I was a little hesitant seeing as how she had just told me that her husband had broken his ankle in a training accident stateside.  I wasnt sure what to respond with.  Was I in the right place.  Was I spontaneously transformed into Dorothy fro mthe Wizard of Oz?  Had I seriously driven 6 hours and end up at a retreat for spouses of husbands with training accident injuries.  I was in a unmotivated state of what is going on here.  So I told her how my husband was injured and that he served two branches and basically gave her the ultra shortened ciff's notes.  I finally found my friend after dinner and she and another helpful girl got me my goodie bag and my room assignment and I was told that I was given a room by myself but if anyone else showed up lateI would be assigned a room mate.  I am a nice girl but I was seriously hoping that the other person never showed because part of my anxiety was having to share a room with a stranger.  Would my room mate be nice, understanding, would they snore, would they be like the girl who's husband broke his ankle in a training accident, would she be just as nervous and anxious as me, would she even get along with me, would she be a messy room mate, would she keep me up all night talkig about dreaded Ft. Lewis?  So many things clouded my ability to get unwound.  So I got up to the room.  I unpacked some things but mostly left everything in bags.  I got my pajamas on.  Scouted the room for entry and exit points.  Made sure all the door locks worked and that they functoned like they should.  Messed with all the lights.  The fan.  The heat.  Analyzed the porch to make sure nobody could climb from the neighborin porch to mine which seemed possible so I didnt even really go out there.  That door stayed double locked.  Blinds closed tightly.  I finished eailing assignmens to my college instructors, pugged my cell phone in and sat in silence for atleast 30 minutes.  Checked the doors again and finally decided to invite my friend over for a glass of the wine that I brought incase I needed to calm down and unwind.  My friend just happened to get te roommate that I was nervous to get.  We drank wine, chatted about our husbands, our issues, the wy we handle things and just a nice calm chat.  After she left back to her room it was wierd but alot of the anxiety was gone.  This could have been the buzz or the fact that I needed sleep.  So it wasnt until around 2:00am that I was able to lay down and close my eyes.  I still got up to use the bathroom twice more and to check the locks, peaak out the peep hole in the door and pee out the blinds.  Atleast I had the fan to sooth me to sleep.  Woke up to my alarm and felt like poop.  Hungover, very sleepy and hungry.  Then the interacting begun.  After breakfast we made name tags and got started on the focus group stuff and getting into the meat of the retreat structured business.  Which I had no idea what  was in for.  We broke off into groups and did a checklist of PTSD symptoms for our husbands and a checklist for ourselves.  When asked if we got any relaxation the previous night I just laughed and the Dr. asked what was so funny and when I told him about my night he basically confirmed everything my husband and other people had been telling me for a while.  Basically I was smack dab in the middle of secondary PTSD and that mine seemed pretty bad.  I have switched roles with my husband and now I act like he used to.  Everything from my driving and sleeping habits to my mood swings and compulsive routines.  I snap at people, I complain alot, I ignore family, phone calls, miss appointments, am late to EVERYTHING....I dont sleep well, I have not much of a sex drive,  spend when depressed, I eat when depressed.  I go through anniversary date depression cycles.  I have no motivation to exercise.  I get naucious riding as the passenger in any car, I cant sleep and when I do I cant get up.  I am a walking tie bomb.  I have felt that I would be better off dead and that my family might be better off without me even I kow that isnt true.  I sometimes just cry for no reason.  I have even snapped at my daughter's friends.  I seriously didnt really put all this on the table and examine it like this before.  Now that I fully see it, its like a freight train running down the tracks with no brakes and I have no idea how to derail it.  I should have seen this coming and I should have prepared for it some how.  I was so busy making sure everyone else was happy, safe, fed, clean and not angry that I forgot to do the same for myself.  I surrounded myself with things and I volunteered for fundraisers, with my kid's school functios, and I buried myself so far into my college work that I actually forgot where I was until finals came and gone and school was out and I had time to breathe and think.  Now I feel like I dont wanna think.  I wanna be busy again.  Realistically though I am dying inside and have no idea how to fix myself.  I am a psych major and I know exactly what a psychologist will tell me or make me do.  I dont know if I am ready to fully deal with all of that.  I hate how all of this has come back and fallen right on my shoulders.  For the past 8 years I have been running from this and I feel like I have fallen and cant get back up. 

An anventure in another person's religion

SO the post holiday grumpies have set in.....I ruined my good eating habits on Thnksgiving and I cant quit eating these stupid little peppermint hershey kisses.  It is almost finals week and I think I am getting stressed out.  I have two huge projects coming up and three big tests in the next two weeks.  One of my projects is for this World Religions class.  Its hard to research in books and shit for me.  I dont retain much of what I read.  So I have chose to interview a local store owner about his religion and the common misinterpretations between Muslims and Hindus. The yare very much different.....Hinduism and Islam is very much different.  SO I am going to get his input on how he feels about his religion, the common confusion with the two, and get his perspective on how he and his family have been treated since 9/11 due to the common confusion between muslims and the hindu people.  Both are genuinely peaceful people give or take a few stereotypes.  So we have only covered two religions thus far in this term but since my husband was injured in Iraq I have had my share of negative feelings toward people who appear to resemble possible Iraqis.  You know I have learned so much in the past 7 years and my ignorance and intolerance has shed away and I have since taken the time to learn about the people of ther cultures so that I can cure myself of misconstruing situations like that.  I admit that I have made some horrible judgements in the past but in a sense I think we as humans do that naturally and unless we catch ourselves doing it then it will continue happening.  I feel like my project will be successful as long as I ask the questions appropriately, that is my biggest goal because when participating in something such as interviewing a person about their religious faith and such you have to be very careful not to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable.  Its going to take me all day just to get the questioning correct.  I am a bit nervous though.  Anyways this project I have taken the most time to think about because it is very important for me to get it right.  Alot of pressure I guess.  I want to represent these people that I am interviewing properly.  We shall see how it plays out.  I think it will be great.  Getting an inside perspective.

A subtle list of things that have already gone wrong today:

1.  Husband went to town to pick up table & chair rentals and misplaced his wallet
2.  Neither of two sinks in my house are working = no water = no hand washing
3.  The house is a disaster, gonna take forever to clean
4.  My husband has been irritated all day = not good for anyone
5.  The bag I was marinating my turkey in sprunk a leak in my fridge
6.  Th kids have no idea how it feels to step on legos
7.  I wasted all the wine marinating the turkey
8.  I just remembred that the only turkey roasting pan I had got thrown away last year due to rust
9.  The dog keeps opening the door and letting his wet self in
10.  Husband broke the storage unit doot putting stuff in but forgot to get out what I needed



Will add more later.......PTSD = chain reaction for worse things to come later......

Its official....I feel like shit!  Its day 4 of antibiotics and it eems like I am feeling worse but in a different way than before.  Uggghhhhhh.....me no like!  On a more positive note I am taking the husband and the spawn to see Twilight tomarrow....I will take some Aleve tonight to hopefully get rid ofthis horrid headache and hope that it does not remain in the morning.....standing in line waiting to go into this movie with a headache will make for a violent interacton with hormonal preteens.....I wonder if I just yell.....Robert Pattinson is in the lobby if I can get further up the line.....I shall try.....I think the headache is taking over my thoughts.....

Feelings....

After everything that we have been through as individuals, as a couple and as parents, I often feel like since we have experienced some really hard and terrible situations in the past 7 years, that it is sort of a mission for me to try and help every single person who is going through their own rough times that were similar to ours.  Since I found out my aunt had cancer, clear up till I found out she was terminl and even after she passed away, I have thought that if I could just help other people with cancer feel safe, loved and comforted it might ease my heartache.  I know that I technically am reliving my trauma over and over through that of others.  I cant ignore their need for support and I cant deny that I feel certain levels of empathy for their situations.  I sort of feel like now that our life is on a semi controlled, or more regular positive incline that I am obligated to show support for others.  I feel like I dont want anyone to ever have to go through what we have along this long, trecherous winding road called our life.  So I have continued over the past 5 years to be there and show my support for those who need it.  People say that I put myself out there too much and that I cant help everyone, but as I have matured and grown as a human being, woman, mother, daughter, student, wife and member of my community I have realized that it is our responsibility to take care of eachother however necessary.  Thinking back to when I was 15, 18, 21 years old....i would never have pictured myself in this type of life or even saying these words.  However I guess being in the psychology and human services field I always try to over analyze things and try to overextend myself.  I do love helping people though.....I just hope that someday I will be able to say that I have made a positive difference for someone if not for myself.  This is one of those blog entries where I feel like I have lready said too much.  I guess thats the point though!

Successful day in sicky sick lala land.....NOT!

Made it to the doctor this morning to have the doctor tell me what I already know.  Surprise surprise!  I'm sick.....bring on the antibiotics.  An upper respiratory infection, and eczema in the ears.  Never heard that one before but it does explain the non stop itching.  Oh and apparently I need an inhaler for my asthma.  I am a hot mess!  Minus the hot!  So here I sit spilling my guts about my productive day and as I say this I am remembering everything that I didnt get done.  So I think for a change I am going to play like I have a head injury.  The only excuse I can come up with is that I misplaced my 8 lists reminding me of the things I need to accomplish.  Without lists I am vapor!  Maybe I should download an app for my phone that act as lists so I always have them.....knowing my luck I will need a list to remind me to make a list.  My husband doesn't get to have all the fun around here.  Sometimes I wonder if he truly forgets to do things or if he uses the TBI as an excuse for screw ups.  Such as cereal in the fridge, milk in the pantry, dirty laundry into the washer not the dryer, or such instances as double booking appointments, forgetting to pick our child up....or is this just a man thing?  A good one is waiting over a year to make an appointment to have a recall issue adressed with our truck.  We recieved a notice in the mail stating that there was a recall issue with a part on our truck that needed replaced or repaired.  The consequences if this wasnt corrected was that the truck could stop running while driving down the road and cause a collision.  So guess what happens.....I am driving down the road last week....in the truck.  As I am rounding a rather sharp corner the truck does this thing where it just turns off.....everything....no lights.....no steering....no gauges.....nothing.  So as I round the corner I notice that the truck is hard to steer and I almost cant make the corner to avoid oncoming traffic.  As I coast to a stop going 30 mph on a busy corner, I am lucky to get this beast of a truch fully off the shoulder out of the way of traffic.  I call a tow truck, call a ride and leave my husband a voicemail explaining the issue since he never answers that ringing piece of technology known to connect two people in a conversational situation....aka his cell phone.  Then he gets home and his dad was able to start it right up no problem.  We are obviously stumped after going through all of the possible issues.  Well as I was tearing my house apart in a fury yesterday during operation find specific document, among a clusterfuck of both necessary papers and unecessary papers;  Army, Marine Corps, VA, and other crap, all squished into a file cabinet in a rather unorganized I dont give a shit sort of manner.  I begin to organize not only the file cabinet, but the rest of the house.  By this time I was so pissed off cause everything was everywhere, I just happened to see this paper tacked to the husband's "to do list" board.  It was sort of poking out from behind another paper and I almost didnt see it.  I see of course that the paper clearly says Nissan right on it.  I open the paper and of course it was the recall notice.  Its states that an Engine Control Module relay may over time may cause the engine to stop running while the vehicle is in motion increasing risk of a crash.  Well no shit!  I wasnt sure whether to scream or laugh.....so I did both.  I held on to this paper so tightly until he came home and of course I had to show him the paper and explain the consequences for what this means.  I could have died in that truck and later the repair shop would have said, there was a recall and your negligence in taking proper action to resolve the issue caused your truck to crash.  Bye Bye wifey.....lol.  Anyways I am not mad about it.....but I cant leave him alone for a second.  Atleast he hasnt accidentally left the stove on.  He does however misplace his cell phone, wallet, keys, hat, sunglasses, and handicapped parking permit on a daily basis.  He is always asking me. where's the remote, have you seen my happy sock (night time shrinker stump sock), have you seen my chew (unfortunately that always gets found).  Never underestimate your husband's ability to forget anything and everything at any given time.  I think TBIs are contagious.....lol.....

You need a document....lmao....take a number!

The husband needs a specific document for school registration.....he was in for just over 7 years, two branches, deployment, injuries, progress notes, medical records, file cabinets, manilla envelopes, paperclips.....uhhhh......I have no idea where to begin.....can I just blow it all up an begin again.....there has to be a better system.....do I really really neeeeed to keep every single paper.....cause what I really want to do is roast marshmallows over the embers.....sigh! I suppose.....here we go.....I really dont want to do this.....ok if anyone needs me I will be in the closet sucking my thumb rocking back and forth!

I feel like a sloth, smell like a yeti and look like a cavern beast!

I would just like to say that I do not like being sick at all. Whats even more worse is if Bill gets sick. When he gets sick his pain multiplies twice as fast as he would put it' "able bodied people." So I am hiding in my dark cave in my hoodie, under the blankets watching really bad TV. Reality shows, Dr. Phil, Sy Yes To The Dress, E!, Hillbilly Handfishing.....I have officially hit rock bottom in the what not to watch department. I should be doing homework but what I really want to do is burn my homework and take a shower. The shower takes effort and energy that I seem to have run out of.....and the dishes need washed which will indefinately not be on my to do list today....someone else can do that. However, someone else wont do that! As I sit and ponder my possibilities for the day I realize that Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away. We dont get paid until the day before we are supposed to eat an ass load of food. So I will likely have to climb from the depths of my overstuffed blankie pile to go to the store. If we become out of anything then whoever I send to recover said items from the grocery store will get everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. Which leaves me in charge of obtaining said items. Milk (skim rich orange cap), white bread, (which I dont even eat), candycane hot cocoa (cause I like it), some fresh veggies (cause I need to eat them if I want to survive), and two turkeys (think I will just go to the butcher to get them this year).........but until I muster up the energy to take that shower, mama aint goin anywhere! If there is no white bread the world may end.....its ok though cause I have nyquil and melatonin.....so I wont be there for it!

I wish I were a fish....I am all over the place lol

Not really cause fish are yummy.....I was just sitting thinking.....sometimes I think too much and the I over analyze things. Havent gotten the dishwasher yet, but I am counting the days. Did get the oven fixed though so I was able to make Bill's sister's wedding cake. That was a whole new level of stress that I dont ever want to feel again. This cake was massive. I reay dislike making huge cakes that nobody is going to eat.....I think people underestimate the costto make these ginormous cakes and how much waste there will be. I thnk I am going to stick to cupcakes, small cakes, cookies and pastries. I like to do mini things, so I am going to focus on that. avent started the work out regime...I ended up getting a very painful ingrown hair in a very explicit area and it kept me from being able to really work out and it even affected how I walk and other things lol. So it has mostly healed and my doctor said I can start doing things that are more physical. Going to go swimming in the pool for the first time in over a month. I recently made a to do list for the hubby because we severely need to make some necessary repairs around the house. So he wasshocked by the list but he agreed. I was hoping that this would give him some man duties to do around here. He has hobbies which is good because I would rather him do something that iterests him than sitting on his ass being bored. He has become quite the outdoorsman lately. Gold panning, camping, racing and fixing RC cars, disc golf, riding his hand cycle, fishing (very successfully), and soon hunting. This means i have recently learned how to identify certain RC car parts and qualitites, what a blue bowl and a grizzly bar is, what different weights of discs are for, what a plug is, how to make a steelhead lure, what certain guns are for and why you cant just use a 22 for hunting....and I learned this summer how to start a fire with magnesium.....I am glad he has hobbies but I think I will stay indoors and do my wifey duties....cooking, baking, filleting fish, some ceaning duties, and such. Which makes me think I wanna make some cookies......I am haing a ladies movie night coming up oon so that should be fun. I am on a week long break from the hubby since he is in San Diego for his sports clinic thing. I am kind of wondering why there is never any kind of getaways for the ladies....kind of shitty cause I always get left at home with the kids and all the housework while he gets to do the fun stuff....lol....my day will come....cant really count the symposium a vacation because it was an emotional week of work and stress. I really didnt want to be there after realizing that it was the AFAP conference.....I am nonsupportive toward the Army unless its for the better good of the wounded and their families....I still cant get alot of my hatred toward them out of me....someday life will be splendipity....lol....still a battle from time to time....well enough ranting for now.

Fatty McFatpants wants a dishwasher and a brownie?

I have been washing dishes by hand for a couple years now....seems like forever....but I get a dishwasher soon....and we finally ordered the part to fix the oven....I will be back in the technologically advanced era of housework....ugh....housework....atleast the machine will wash the dishes for me and the oven is alot better for baking than a toaster oven....major plus for me right now. I have also ordered a new cardio aerobics dvd set and I am going to try it....I told Bill that and he said another dvd huh. Yeah so I have been depressed for many years and lacked alot of motivation to take care of myself. The comment didnt help the motivation issue. So yeah after the weights, the bands, the step and pump class, the PE class, the YMCA membership, the Zumba dvds and the Wii fit.....I am a complete failure at getting motivated....so sue me....anyway here we go again....I wanna say that this time is different but I am getting excited about it and I am going to try TurboFire....it looks fun and energizing which may be what I need....we shall see....I just dont want to be an angry fat girl anymore. I wanna be the person everyone wants to be around. I wanna be able to look at a brownie and say eww where's the fruit plate....but I open the fride, glance at the salad and the semi healthy variety and shut the fridge and go for the crap....I dont know why but I hate it. I wanna step on the scale and be able to smile and I want my husband to look at me and say damn girl you are fine....but it has been a long time since I have heard that.....years....many of years....I get you look beautiful or you smell good, or you are pretty....but when you feel completely shitty about yourself there is nothing anyone can tell you that will register in your brain as being a truthful fact. Which is where I have been. I wasnt even this big when I was full term pregnant with a nine pound baby rolling around inside me....a size 20. Its gross, its embarassing, its a huge smack in the face and almost feels like a punishment for something....like karma is saying I deserved this. I have been so close to just accepting that this is me and maybe I was meant to be like this. I lost 15 pounds this past spring....then gained it back faster than I lost it....its very discouraging. So I am attempting aonce again to regain myself image....not for anyone else but for me....I wanna be comfortable and I want to be able to love myself and be healthy....I hope this works....I am not taking the easy way out either with surgery or diet pills I am going to use good ol' fashion hard work....I am in for an awakening....crap here we go fasten your seatbelts....

technology rocks...

so i have just learned how to blog from my phone....ranting at the flip of a phone and the swipe of a button....sweet. so here goes....lol maybe i will blog more often now....we shall see.

I am a slacker....ugh....sorry

Funny I never got farther than a title on this post and it was sitting in the edit me area of the blog department waitng for me to come back and rekindle what I was thinking at the time I began this post....truth is I have no damn idea....lol....and my husband is the one with all of the head trauma....psht

I can admit

Ok I know that we should all be open minded and unbiased.....but its hard sometimes....I do try really hard....I just have a low tolerance for self induced stupidity (people who make themselves stupid by being stupid) not stupid people who just dont know any better....ok this is how I see it....there are people who just never really learned common sense and then there are the ones who are really really intelligent but let greed block the brain signal which allows a person to make reliable and responsible judgements based on what is truly acceptable in the world of "Hello what the fuck are you thinking".....AKA normal society if that even exists anymore....here is an example....a person driving 60 in the left lane when the speed limit is clearly 65 talking on the cell phone while eating a bowl of soup....I think she left the important part of herself back at the waffle house and what I really want to do is hit the gas and ram her with my truck so that she drops her cell phone, spills her hot soup on her $80 jeans and looks in the morror and realizes that she made some very "STUPID" choices....like getting into her car for one....people like that should just stay home....or die! Her greed allowed her to make those choices based on the mirage that she was the only person on the highway at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday....really....I have mastered the highway brake check also for people who believe that wherever it is that they have to go is way more important than everyone else on the highway....so they apparently must drive 85.....tailgate me and honk when I am already going 72 so that I can hurry ups and pass the dillhole in the slow lane swerving around in his lane cause he cant find whatever it was he dropped on the floorboard of his car....so then they honk at me....curse me....flip me off cause I dont want a ticket for speeding....no instead I tap the brakes and make them think that they are going to crash into the back of me....this works especially well when they give the oh shit look as they realize that they are way too close to my rear bumber for comfort....or then there is the lady that thinks she is badass cause she is driving her husband's bad ass huge truck lifted with the huge wheels and the chrome and the stereo that is up so loud that not only does she forever injure her children's tiny eardrums from the amount of base pumping out of her amplifier....but she doesnt hear the firetruck coming from a distance either....so instead of getting over off to the side like non stupid people do she tries to light a cigarette while driving and ends up rearending a car in front of her that was doing the right thing and pushes that car in front of an oncoming truck killing the children in that car. Or the ladies in Walmart on black friday that trample an old lady when the store opens cause their greed has driven them to clearly act like an animal

Creativity is the best therapy

So since the VA is payin me to get some higher learnin I figured that it would be the perfect time to get some art therapy at the goverment's expense. I will need a certain amount of elective credits anyway so I am getting them in now while I am not the one paying for it. So last spring I took water colors....it was a great class and I had never painted with water colors before. Now I love it! I was always more of an oil and acrylic painter. Now I can say I have done a little of everything. This term I am taking ceramics handbuilding. I have worked with clay before but not in this extreme. So far I have made a flower pot, 2 small pinch pots, a turtle which my 5 year old has alreadt claimed, two oversized mugs and we are getting ready to do ceramic tile carvings. I have my clay slabs rolled out nad cut to size now I am working on ideas of what to carve in them. We have been also learning about firing, glazes and glaze science. Its so interesting and fun. Its nice because while I am working in the studio or the workshop I dont really thin of anything else. If I am having an off day then I can punch clay or build something and then squash it and start over. We have specific requirments to learn techniques but in general when we arent working on the required projects....we get to do whatever we want as long as it is something constructive. So these art classes are like creative freedom molded into therapy. Its nice because every Friday for 5 hours I can just get away from reality and just be myself in a creative way with no husband, no kids, no drama, its just me and the clay and I get to block out life for those 5 hours. If I want also on Mondays and Wednesdays I can go in there and work from noon to 5....so honestly I can do this three days a week. The only thing that isnt included in tuition is the tools and clay which isnt bad considering that you get everything you need at your fingertips whenever you need it. It is a time consuming process of hurry up and wait when your pieces are drying but its like magic watching them transform from a ball of wet clay, to a dry peice of clay, to a bisque fired object, to a glazed fully fired fully operational work of art that you build with your hands and a few tools. Most of the pieces that we build are very useable. Ceramic bowls, mugs, cups, teapots, birdbaths, plates, jars, banks, cookie jars, vases, stepping stones, ornaments, and basic decorations. I saw a flying pig, a teapot with a cock as the spout, beautiful flower pots, giant shiny vases, handmade ceramic anything.....if you can imagine it then you can build it. I think next term I will take a drawing class, or maybe sculpting....who knows my possibilities are unimagineabley huge. I used to be very creative and artsy before Bill and I got together...I used to draw, paint, write poetry and then when he got hurt and my son was born I guess I kind of lost the feeling I get when I create something. I am slowly beginning to get it back and it feels really good. I have heard before that art and creativity is a good way to either escape or to release....I think that is why I am so in love with the arts. My advice to anyone who reads this....take a class and learn something you have never done before. Get creative, build something, paint something, get a hobby....do something for yourself....because if I know most women do more for others than for themselves....I decided that it is my turn to do something that I love. Dont wait and regret that you never tried something....do it while you have the chance....then maybe you can teach someone else.

And I'm back!

I have just been reminded about how important it is to blog...especially when there isnt always a humanoid type of person around to vent to....or atleast one that will understand your inadequecies and kids just dont count because I try not to involve them in my depressing ventures in spouse on spouse combat. I cant remember if I blogged about this but back in September my Aunt Becky (my favorite and closest relative besides my parents) passed away from a two year long battle with cancer. They were able to remove her breast cancer and kill the cells with radiation but the cancer that surrounded her heart, lungs and esophagus came back even worse after a short time in remission. After two years of chemo, radiation and alot of ups and downs she passed away in her sleep the day after I said my goodbyes. The doctor informed her that survival at this point was a matter of how bad she wanted to live....more treatment may not have been able to save her life. So the doctor declared her terminal and she decided to go off her meds and just live as normal as possible until that day came. She went in not long after she stopped the chemo and radiation and had her PET scan and the tumors had taken over her body and they were everywhere. Although she was dying she looked ok and seemed chipper. I seen her on a Friday and by the next week she had become bloated, and really couldnt sit up on her own anymore. She couldnt talk and I think was in the process of letting go. I really thought that by going to see her that I could sit and chat with her and maybe reminisce a bit. I had no idea that I would really actually be witnessing her in the act of dying. In the time leading up to this moment that I dreaded, I kind of just told myself she would be fine and that the cancer would just go away and maybe the doctors were wrong. In doing this I completely ignored reality and what was going to happen. I hid my pain, I drowned my worry in keeping busy. There was nothing wrong, out of sight out of mind. The hard part was when she called and told me that she was going through her things and setting up boxes of her stuff that she wanted members of the family to have. She didnt want people fighting like they did when grandma and grandpa died. She was being smart and caring and was wrapping up loose ends and I hated that. I said why are you doing that you have plenty of time. I got my box and I left it sitting for a while and when she passed I kind of wish I wouldve spent more time with her. Other members of the family probably thought I just didnt care or didnt love her but the truth is that I was scared to have to see her and know that she was going to be leaving me forever and there wasnt anything that I could do about it. She was and always will be the most caring, creative, loving, respectful, honest, and fun person that I have ever loved. She was like a mother to me when mine wasnt around. She cared for me like another child and I was her only niece so we had a bond I guess you could say. I had a different relationship with her than I have with the rest of my family. When I went to visit her for the last time I expected her to wake up and say hi and she just layed there. She was in her night shirt on her bed and she was kind of lightly moaning I guess and I leaned in to kiss her cheek and I thought there is no way that her cheek should be that warm and soft if she was about to die. I told her that I loved her and I got no response but I know she knew I was there. She died the next night quietly and painlessly in her bed, her husband and her son was there with her. When I got the call I was in bed almost asleep and my phone rang....it was late....I knew when I saw who it was that I was in for a long night. I spent the rest of the night crying hoping to fall asleep and wake up and everything would be reversed and she didnt really die I was just dreaming. That was my hope....but hoping for the best wasnt a reality. She was gone....not just on a trip but gone forever. No more hugs, no more baking together, no more Relay fundraisers, no more calling Auntie Becky when I had a dilema. I still have her phone number programmed in my cell phone and sometimes I just play the ringer so I can pretend she is calling me. It has been 4 1/2 months and some days I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I joined Relay For Life because of her and she was my second in command, my team captain. We had two Relay seasons together while she was battling cancer and this year will be the first year without her at Relay and it is going to be hard. I can tell myself that I wont be devestated when they do the survivor lap and she isnt in it, or when we light the luminaria and her name is on a bag in memory of instead of in honor of, or when we set up and she isnt there to grip about how I set things up....I dont know what will happen but there will be tears and there will be somber moments....more so than before. I have decided to dedicate this Relay season in memory of her. She was my reason for participating and now its the event that I put the most work into each year. I want my part in this to mean something and in doing all of this venting I changed our team name and I am giving the team a fresh start so that we can continue and celebrate her life as if she were still here. I will post pics of Relay in July and I have some great new ideas for our tent site and I wish that she was here for me to share them with. For now they are top secret ideas and will be revealed in due time. This is the first time I have openly discussed this in depth. My feelings are still all over and I am still unable to accept why this happened to her. I guess that question may never be answered but atleast she had a fulfilling life with people who loved her. She didnt get the chance to be a grandma or to grow old and retire properly....but she was loved and she knew that.

Taking a break & the calm before the storm

So the next few weeks signify the calm before the storm....the three weeks prior to school starting. My son starts kintergarten, my daughter starts her first year of middle school or (what was called junior high when I was there) and I start my second year of college. I know what I want to do but what I want to do means three degrees because I am an indecisive women who wants to do it all because I can. I dont know what that means! Anyway I want to be some sort of school psychologist, teacher and teach culinary arts all at the same time. I dont know how I am going to do it but that is what I am going to work on accomplishing. In the meantime Bill needs to find a hobby or something that he likes to do in the wake of all of this madness so that he wont be lonely, bored and stressed out of his mind. Which is likely to happen anyway. So I am going to take a break and find some fun things to do during the next few weeks that dont take much planning or preperation. I need a break desperately with everything that has happended lately. Bill has been able to go fishing, camping and just go hang out with his friends and I havent gotten do do anything remotely similar in I dont know how long. He is at the point in his life now where we wants me by his side 24/7 and its exhausting because I need alone time for myself. I almost have one or both of my children with me if not him and both of them so I just need my own time and space. Kids and men dont understand that. There are times where I felt like just getting in the car and driving an hour to the beach and just spending the day alone napping on the beach and walking searching for shells or even browsing in small shops. The point is that I can go at my own pace without having to deal with whining kids, prosthetic legs not fitting and pre-teen cell drama. I am doing my grocery list and monthly menu today, writing up menu cards to get them ready for laminating. Just small tedious things that women do that men do not understand or want any part of. Bill is updating and downloading music and my son is playing the wii and Autumn is at her dad's house....it is chill....no drama....no fighting....and I am going to go take a bath. Its the least I can do to take care of myself today. The house is clean the boys are fed and now its time for me.

Adventures in asking for help....

SO its hard enough to ask for help repeatedly.....its embarrassing....degrading.....belittling....agrivating.....and most possibly the worst thing to have to do as independant adults who at our point in life shouldnt be having to do.....but then to be repeatedly told no we cant help you.....you dont qualify.....you dont rate help from us....you arent wounded enough (meaning you arent drooling on yourself in a hospital bed)....you didnt go to the right hospital....you arent high enough ranked.....you arent in the clique.....you havent served long enough.....you didnt ask for help soon enough.....you arent broke enough.....you live on the west coast not the east coast....the list can go on and on....its amazing what a wounded man with as many injuries and health problems as my husband is not qualified for.....there are spouses out there whos husbands have lesser injuries than my husband who get more help than he does.....its both disturbing and sad.....unfortunate and tragic to sit back and be told no so many times when there are people not even from our country getting better treatment here. I hate being in this situation. Part of me just thinks that if he killed himself people wouldnt even care....he would just be another casualty of the PTSD war. The war has been over for him since he was injured.....but it hasnt....it wages on....I think for him....ok I know for him that the war he/we are now fighting is worse than any firefight you could throw at us. The bombs in our war are much different.....they devestate, mangle and tear up your mind, your heart and your soul.....and then some. My family will never be the same again. I would rather take a bullet to the heart than to sit here and watch the devestation that has unfolded in our lives. People can sit there and say what they want but they will never understand what we have been through and how much the past continues to do to our future. Other people get to move on with their lives and grow and live their lives while their children grow up and its a happy time.....while we are stuck in a time warp where everything spins in a circle contantly stopping on the same space of the game board.....its like being on a horrible carnival ride that you cant get off of.....your mind spins so fast and thinking properly is clouded by the constant chunk rising in the back of your throat and the urge to just jump off and hope that you dont feel the pain when you hit the ground. I dont really feel physical pain anymore and emotionally I am ragged....I have probably aged ten years in the past five. My kids.....oh gosh....my kids do not deserve to live this life. They have done nothing to be subjected to this kind of life.....I know its no good for them and I try the best I can with what I have left in me. I dont want them to hate me for something completely out of my hands. I want more good days between bad ones.....I want to smile and mean it.....I want to enjoy spending time with my husband.....and I want to feel like the home I live in isnt out to get me. I just want to be happy.....and I want my family to be happy....money cant buy that.....but support can and we havent even gotten that.....not from the right people anyway.....we are an ant in an anthill....another number.....just a grain of sand.....thats all we are.

Ghetto in the suburbs

So I have always joked that we are ghetto. I have since changed my mind....we are more of a combination of redneck, white trash and something from a Stephen King movie. We no longer have the car sitting in the yard that we dont drive. Yeah thats right Bill finally sold his mustang. Now we can buy a new front door for our house. Who wouldve thought those things would cost so much. I know you are probably thinking....if you are as redneck as you say then surely you could just go to a trailer wrecking yard and find another....oh no sir....we live in a house and those doors cost bucks....and plus I want my kids to be safe. I have a dog but I dont think he bites....he barks when he hears someone pull up in our reched driveway or walk up to the door.....but he sounds harmless. I also invested in a stungun a few years back and have been lucky enough to not have to use thus far. I am itching to see what it would do to a full grown pedophile though. So Bill thought since he sold the mustang....his favorite car.....his pride and joy....that he would never have to see it again and the burden of having to sell it would be long gone....out of sight out of mind. Turns out he sold it to a marine corps recruiter who lives directly next door to his buddy. Talk about smack in the face. Now every time he goes to visit his friend....that car is going to haunt him. Such a bummer. Off of the car subject Bill and I have been fighting like cats and dogs.....all claws out....I gotta say out of Bill's whole unit that went to Iraq, we are the only couple that has stayed together through the wake of the deployment from hell. The rest of them didnt even have the kind of issues that we had and still have and they all buckled under the pressure. Either we are seriously meant for eachother or I an just real stupid and put up with alot of shit. There are so many variables leading to our spats....mostly his forgetfullness, lack of compassion and my newly aquired spousal PTSD, which I cant rally blame on a guy with a TBI. I want someone to be punished though so badly and I want someone to feel bad and apologize and take the blame.....but the only people who are to blame are the ones calling the shots. They will never own it....will never admit their wrongs and will never take responsibility. SO the next time when someone asks me why I wear a Marine Corps t-shirt proudly but own not one Army or National Guard item.....I can simply say because I have standards.....and they do not include supporting a group of irresponsible, inconsiderate, uncaring, backstabbing, bitches who have no idea how to take care of their men, their families or their wounded. See now I got all worked up and am rambling and I will get carried away and I wont stop speaking my mind. I gotta get some rest. Time for a coctail and a sleeping pill.....just joking....none of that for me. A glass of wine and a hot bath sounds fabulous though. So you can be civilized and still be ghetto.....as long as there is wine involved.....the ghetto part comes when you hook up a beer bong for wine.

A home called hell.....

SO on top of my huband being absolutely positive that his dead mother who killed herself is haunting us and has cursed our house.....we cant seem to keep up on repairs on our house that is slowly falling apart piece by piece. Not only is it just old and apparently fragile....it isnt the type of sturdily built home made for someone with ptsd. Everything was put together very cheap and almost half assed when it was built back when I was 10 years old.....it was for sale by owner and we were desperate with our son close to being born. A tiny two bedroom apartment wouldnt cut it for long. Do we bought this house. Small 1000 sq. ft home with three bedrooms, a decent sized yard and it was in a quiet culdesac next to a park. What could get better than that right. This is what happens when you look at right now in the moment instead of down the road into the future. Who would have guessed the economy would go flat like an old lady's butt. It is hard enough to get someone with severe ptsd and severe injuries to put their clothes away and clean up after themselves and them still have enough patience, energy and motivation to work on their house....especially when a portion of the repairs are as a direct result of anger, ptsd, rage, unfortunate wheelchair damage and mishaps that may have been preventable. So once things begin to go bad, the repairs begin to stack up and before you know it nothing works, everything is broke and that causes more chaos on top of the aready unstable environment in which I limbo. SO here is a list of current projects that are either half started, half finished or just lingering for lack of motivation:

Dishwasher.....broke....leaked....we removed it....now no dishawasher
Replaced Fridge
Replaced Range
Replacing broken and leaking kitchen faucet as we speak
Finally after 3 years hooked up the water that makes ice in our fridge
Multiple holes in walls, doors, closets,
Burned out TV bulb....no tv in our livingroom now....those things are over $100 bucks...sheesh
Our garage door is broken....wont open.....at all
Our electrical is fried....some outlets work....some dont....some flip breakers....some blow bulbs
Our hardwood floor is coming apart
The carpet in the kid's bedrooms is so stained and gross
Our yard floods
Finally got grass
Our bathtub faucet.....drips constantly.....super annoying
The fan and lights in the bathroom have a short and turn off whenever they want
Missing closet doors
The inside is half painted and half not
Our back garage door no longer locks without a makeshfit latch that my husband installed
Our front door is broken and barely stays shut when not locked
The trim is coming away from the doors and walls
There is no trim on a bunch of our doors
Replaced the range hood
Relaced toilet
Widened bedroom and our bathroom doors for wheelchair access.....crappy job well done.....lol

I am probably missing some things but of course I think this is a pretty good idea of the kinds of things we are working on. Its a slow process though because my husband isnt in the kind of shape as a contractor is....he is still having surgeries from his injuries back in 2004. SO I really would like a little bit of understanding from people when I say I am or have been too busy to be a human being. I feel more like a robot on auto pilot or a zombie or something. Anyway as of now my husband is under the sink, leg off, trying to fix a leak that has occured from the installation of the hose that goes to the fridge to make tha water work to make ice.....he was going to install the new faucet.....but he got stuck fixing the leak first before he even got to the faucet.....its so tragic and annoying at the same time. Hopefully I will buy that huge winning lottery ticket some day when I can afford to take a gamble on that possibility....so if I say I am busy.....then that means I am. Nobody has a clue about my life and what I deal with everyday. I cannot even speak the proper words to describe my feelings and the ins and outs of my life.....I cant explain it now and I probably will never be able to. Thats just the way it is.....and when someone asks how I am doing and they get a blank stare.....should I feel guilty about giving that look or should I feel like a bitch when someone inquires of my well being and I just give them a twisted smile that makes me look half depressed and psychotic. Whatever.....thats all I got at times....its hard to pull a fake smile outta my ass.....I thought I would be an expert at faking how I am feeling but I just got so tired of putting on an act that now I just dont care. Argggg.....venting over.....sometimes I love blogging and sometimes I feel like its a waste of time but who else am I gonna talk to.....hahahahahahaha.....exactly.

Gone or lost.....but not forgotten

Losing a friend isnt like losing your car keys or your favorite pair of earrings. Its more like losing....well it isnt like losing anything else in the world. One day that are there making you laugh, being a helping hand, changing the world and gone the next. I dont have religious beliefs like some people do so I cant make assumptions on where people go when they die. From previous experience they are either burned into a chunky ashy substance to be spread about some beautiful location of your choice.....or they are drained of their being and thrown into a box to spend the rest of eternity being fertilizer. Its not much to look forward to when you are close to death. Most people dont have the option to know when they are going to die. I wouldnt want that constant reminder that my time is almost up. I dont want to have to feel different about my life and the way I have chosen to live it. I dont want to be on a timer.....that doesnt seem right or fair. When its my time I just hope that I am able to go peacefully in my sleep. I really shouldnt be rambling on about death....it isnt my most favorite topic for discussion. Lately though I have been thinking about it slightly more than not. I found out last year that my aunt, who I always considered my favorite and was somewhat like a mother to me when my own mother wasnt, had cancer. Two different types. She spent a whole year battling through chemo and radiation and all the other miscellaneous crap people deal with when they have cancer. After all this treatment and a lumpectomy she had scans done and her cancer was gone but they wanted her to continue being seen every so often to monitor her status. Well not too long after her cancer came back full force and so she had to start all this treatment over again only this time the chemo and radiation was much stronger and much more brutal. I couldnt imagine what it was like for her. She recently found out that her treatments were no longer working and that the cancer was spreading to other parts of her body. So she is officially no considered a terminal cancer patient. She has went off all treatments and is just continuing her life as she normally would until she can no longer function. I am not looking forward to that day or any other days after that. Its sad for me and so very unfortunate for our whole family because we arent just losing aunt becky.....we will be losing a wonderful, caring, creative, supportive, confident, outgoing, beautiful aunt, mother, sister, friend and human being. Which brings me to the recent death of my friend Craig, AKA Chili. He passed away on the 4th of July....the toxocology results arent back yet but his service will be sometime in the next week or so. Chili was a very good friend....he was very loyal, caring, generous, appreciative, outspoken, outgoing, obnoxious at times but we loved him for it. He helped me out when times where crazy and I had no one else to talk to. He was the first person I talked to just after hearing about Bill getting injured in Iraq. Chili being a former Marine had the knowlege and contacts to call around and get more information on Bill's status in Bagdad and Landschtul if thats even spelled right. He got me in contact with people who could give me information however very little. Chili was there for me when nobody else was. I thank him so much for that. He dated one...or more of my close friends and it was always aweful to see him treat them like queens and them treat him horible back. He had ongoing psychological issues with bi-polar disorder, schitzo effective disorder, ptsd, and was still at rock bottom from the drowning death of his toddler son. The VA never treated him fairly and almost never gave him the proper care. He ended up homeless and crazy at one point after one of his episodes.....did some jail time before being moved to a psych facility. He never really stood a chance because nobody but a few close friends could see into him regardless of his mental ailments. As a precaution I had to withhold my residence from him only for the safety and well being of my children. I regret having to do that but sometimes you have to protect your own from people even if they are important to you in some way. Its sad and unfortunate and I feel bad about not being there for him more as he was for all of us. It really is a tragic situation and we will miss him greately. Two years ago my friend Chayla who once dated Chili was also found dead in an alleged suicide attempt. So lately as you can see ever since Bill was almost killed in Iraq in 2004.....I have been surrounded by hell, death and destruction. Not sure what to make of all this.....but I just want a moment to breathe between losses.....its exhausting. My husband may not have perished in Iraq but part of him never came back and I am dealing with that daily still. As a result part of myself is also missing....hopefully it will be where my lost ipod is and my guchi sunglasses are.....I am hopeful.