I can admit

Ok I know that we should all be open minded and unbiased.....but its hard sometimes....I do try really hard....I just have a low tolerance for self induced stupidity (people who make themselves stupid by being stupid) not stupid people who just dont know any better....ok this is how I see it....there are people who just never really learned common sense and then there are the ones who are really really intelligent but let greed block the brain signal which allows a person to make reliable and responsible judgements based on what is truly acceptable in the world of "Hello what the fuck are you thinking".....AKA normal society if that even exists anymore....here is an example....a person driving 60 in the left lane when the speed limit is clearly 65 talking on the cell phone while eating a bowl of soup....I think she left the important part of herself back at the waffle house and what I really want to do is hit the gas and ram her with my truck so that she drops her cell phone, spills her hot soup on her $80 jeans and looks in the morror and realizes that she made some very "STUPID" choices....like getting into her car for one....people like that should just stay home....or die! Her greed allowed her to make those choices based on the mirage that she was the only person on the highway at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday....really....I have mastered the highway brake check also for people who believe that wherever it is that they have to go is way more important than everyone else on the highway....so they apparently must drive 85.....tailgate me and honk when I am already going 72 so that I can hurry ups and pass the dillhole in the slow lane swerving around in his lane cause he cant find whatever it was he dropped on the floorboard of his car....so then they honk at me....curse me....flip me off cause I dont want a ticket for speeding....no instead I tap the brakes and make them think that they are going to crash into the back of me....this works especially well when they give the oh shit look as they realize that they are way too close to my rear bumber for comfort....or then there is the lady that thinks she is badass cause she is driving her husband's bad ass huge truck lifted with the huge wheels and the chrome and the stereo that is up so loud that not only does she forever injure her children's tiny eardrums from the amount of base pumping out of her amplifier....but she doesnt hear the firetruck coming from a distance either....so instead of getting over off to the side like non stupid people do she tries to light a cigarette while driving and ends up rearending a car in front of her that was doing the right thing and pushes that car in front of an oncoming truck killing the children in that car. Or the ladies in Walmart on black friday that trample an old lady when the store opens cause their greed has driven them to clearly act like an animal

Creativity is the best therapy

So since the VA is payin me to get some higher learnin I figured that it would be the perfect time to get some art therapy at the goverment's expense. I will need a certain amount of elective credits anyway so I am getting them in now while I am not the one paying for it. So last spring I took water colors....it was a great class and I had never painted with water colors before. Now I love it! I was always more of an oil and acrylic painter. Now I can say I have done a little of everything. This term I am taking ceramics handbuilding. I have worked with clay before but not in this extreme. So far I have made a flower pot, 2 small pinch pots, a turtle which my 5 year old has alreadt claimed, two oversized mugs and we are getting ready to do ceramic tile carvings. I have my clay slabs rolled out nad cut to size now I am working on ideas of what to carve in them. We have been also learning about firing, glazes and glaze science. Its so interesting and fun. Its nice because while I am working in the studio or the workshop I dont really thin of anything else. If I am having an off day then I can punch clay or build something and then squash it and start over. We have specific requirments to learn techniques but in general when we arent working on the required projects....we get to do whatever we want as long as it is something constructive. So these art classes are like creative freedom molded into therapy. Its nice because every Friday for 5 hours I can just get away from reality and just be myself in a creative way with no husband, no kids, no drama, its just me and the clay and I get to block out life for those 5 hours. If I want also on Mondays and Wednesdays I can go in there and work from noon to 5....so honestly I can do this three days a week. The only thing that isnt included in tuition is the tools and clay which isnt bad considering that you get everything you need at your fingertips whenever you need it. It is a time consuming process of hurry up and wait when your pieces are drying but its like magic watching them transform from a ball of wet clay, to a dry peice of clay, to a bisque fired object, to a glazed fully fired fully operational work of art that you build with your hands and a few tools. Most of the pieces that we build are very useable. Ceramic bowls, mugs, cups, teapots, birdbaths, plates, jars, banks, cookie jars, vases, stepping stones, ornaments, and basic decorations. I saw a flying pig, a teapot with a cock as the spout, beautiful flower pots, giant shiny vases, handmade ceramic anything.....if you can imagine it then you can build it. I think next term I will take a drawing class, or maybe sculpting....who knows my possibilities are unimagineabley huge. I used to be very creative and artsy before Bill and I got together...I used to draw, paint, write poetry and then when he got hurt and my son was born I guess I kind of lost the feeling I get when I create something. I am slowly beginning to get it back and it feels really good. I have heard before that art and creativity is a good way to either escape or to release....I think that is why I am so in love with the arts. My advice to anyone who reads this....take a class and learn something you have never done before. Get creative, build something, paint something, get a hobby....do something for yourself....because if I know most women do more for others than for themselves....I decided that it is my turn to do something that I love. Dont wait and regret that you never tried something....do it while you have the chance....then maybe you can teach someone else.

And I'm back!

I have just been reminded about how important it is to blog...especially when there isnt always a humanoid type of person around to vent to....or atleast one that will understand your inadequecies and kids just dont count because I try not to involve them in my depressing ventures in spouse on spouse combat. I cant remember if I blogged about this but back in September my Aunt Becky (my favorite and closest relative besides my parents) passed away from a two year long battle with cancer. They were able to remove her breast cancer and kill the cells with radiation but the cancer that surrounded her heart, lungs and esophagus came back even worse after a short time in remission. After two years of chemo, radiation and alot of ups and downs she passed away in her sleep the day after I said my goodbyes. The doctor informed her that survival at this point was a matter of how bad she wanted to live....more treatment may not have been able to save her life. So the doctor declared her terminal and she decided to go off her meds and just live as normal as possible until that day came. She went in not long after she stopped the chemo and radiation and had her PET scan and the tumors had taken over her body and they were everywhere. Although she was dying she looked ok and seemed chipper. I seen her on a Friday and by the next week she had become bloated, and really couldnt sit up on her own anymore. She couldnt talk and I think was in the process of letting go. I really thought that by going to see her that I could sit and chat with her and maybe reminisce a bit. I had no idea that I would really actually be witnessing her in the act of dying. In the time leading up to this moment that I dreaded, I kind of just told myself she would be fine and that the cancer would just go away and maybe the doctors were wrong. In doing this I completely ignored reality and what was going to happen. I hid my pain, I drowned my worry in keeping busy. There was nothing wrong, out of sight out of mind. The hard part was when she called and told me that she was going through her things and setting up boxes of her stuff that she wanted members of the family to have. She didnt want people fighting like they did when grandma and grandpa died. She was being smart and caring and was wrapping up loose ends and I hated that. I said why are you doing that you have plenty of time. I got my box and I left it sitting for a while and when she passed I kind of wish I wouldve spent more time with her. Other members of the family probably thought I just didnt care or didnt love her but the truth is that I was scared to have to see her and know that she was going to be leaving me forever and there wasnt anything that I could do about it. She was and always will be the most caring, creative, loving, respectful, honest, and fun person that I have ever loved. She was like a mother to me when mine wasnt around. She cared for me like another child and I was her only niece so we had a bond I guess you could say. I had a different relationship with her than I have with the rest of my family. When I went to visit her for the last time I expected her to wake up and say hi and she just layed there. She was in her night shirt on her bed and she was kind of lightly moaning I guess and I leaned in to kiss her cheek and I thought there is no way that her cheek should be that warm and soft if she was about to die. I told her that I loved her and I got no response but I know she knew I was there. She died the next night quietly and painlessly in her bed, her husband and her son was there with her. When I got the call I was in bed almost asleep and my phone rang....it was late....I knew when I saw who it was that I was in for a long night. I spent the rest of the night crying hoping to fall asleep and wake up and everything would be reversed and she didnt really die I was just dreaming. That was my hope....but hoping for the best wasnt a reality. She was gone....not just on a trip but gone forever. No more hugs, no more baking together, no more Relay fundraisers, no more calling Auntie Becky when I had a dilema. I still have her phone number programmed in my cell phone and sometimes I just play the ringer so I can pretend she is calling me. It has been 4 1/2 months and some days I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I joined Relay For Life because of her and she was my second in command, my team captain. We had two Relay seasons together while she was battling cancer and this year will be the first year without her at Relay and it is going to be hard. I can tell myself that I wont be devestated when they do the survivor lap and she isnt in it, or when we light the luminaria and her name is on a bag in memory of instead of in honor of, or when we set up and she isnt there to grip about how I set things up....I dont know what will happen but there will be tears and there will be somber moments....more so than before. I have decided to dedicate this Relay season in memory of her. She was my reason for participating and now its the event that I put the most work into each year. I want my part in this to mean something and in doing all of this venting I changed our team name and I am giving the team a fresh start so that we can continue and celebrate her life as if she were still here. I will post pics of Relay in July and I have some great new ideas for our tent site and I wish that she was here for me to share them with. For now they are top secret ideas and will be revealed in due time. This is the first time I have openly discussed this in depth. My feelings are still all over and I am still unable to accept why this happened to her. I guess that question may never be answered but atleast she had a fulfilling life with people who loved her. She didnt get the chance to be a grandma or to grow old and retire properly....but she was loved and she knew that.