An anventure in another person's religion

SO the post holiday grumpies have set in.....I ruined my good eating habits on Thnksgiving and I cant quit eating these stupid little peppermint hershey kisses.  It is almost finals week and I think I am getting stressed out.  I have two huge projects coming up and three big tests in the next two weeks.  One of my projects is for this World Religions class.  Its hard to research in books and shit for me.  I dont retain much of what I read.  So I have chose to interview a local store owner about his religion and the common misinterpretations between Muslims and Hindus. The yare very much different.....Hinduism and Islam is very much different.  SO I am going to get his input on how he feels about his religion, the common confusion with the two, and get his perspective on how he and his family have been treated since 9/11 due to the common confusion between muslims and the hindu people.  Both are genuinely peaceful people give or take a few stereotypes.  So we have only covered two religions thus far in this term but since my husband was injured in Iraq I have had my share of negative feelings toward people who appear to resemble possible Iraqis.  You know I have learned so much in the past 7 years and my ignorance and intolerance has shed away and I have since taken the time to learn about the people of ther cultures so that I can cure myself of misconstruing situations like that.  I admit that I have made some horrible judgements in the past but in a sense I think we as humans do that naturally and unless we catch ourselves doing it then it will continue happening.  I feel like my project will be successful as long as I ask the questions appropriately, that is my biggest goal because when participating in something such as interviewing a person about their religious faith and such you have to be very careful not to offend them or make them feel uncomfortable.  Its going to take me all day just to get the questioning correct.  I am a bit nervous though.  Anyways this project I have taken the most time to think about because it is very important for me to get it right.  Alot of pressure I guess.  I want to represent these people that I am interviewing properly.  We shall see how it plays out.  I think it will be great.  Getting an inside perspective.

A subtle list of things that have already gone wrong today:

1.  Husband went to town to pick up table & chair rentals and misplaced his wallet
2.  Neither of two sinks in my house are working = no water = no hand washing
3.  The house is a disaster, gonna take forever to clean
4.  My husband has been irritated all day = not good for anyone
5.  The bag I was marinating my turkey in sprunk a leak in my fridge
6.  Th kids have no idea how it feels to step on legos
7.  I wasted all the wine marinating the turkey
8.  I just remembred that the only turkey roasting pan I had got thrown away last year due to rust
9.  The dog keeps opening the door and letting his wet self in
10.  Husband broke the storage unit doot putting stuff in but forgot to get out what I needed



Will add more later.......PTSD = chain reaction for worse things to come later......

Its official....I feel like shit!  Its day 4 of antibiotics and it eems like I am feeling worse but in a different way than before.  Uggghhhhhh.....me no like!  On a more positive note I am taking the husband and the spawn to see Twilight tomarrow....I will take some Aleve tonight to hopefully get rid ofthis horrid headache and hope that it does not remain in the morning.....standing in line waiting to go into this movie with a headache will make for a violent interacton with hormonal preteens.....I wonder if I just yell.....Robert Pattinson is in the lobby if I can get further up the line.....I shall try.....I think the headache is taking over my thoughts.....

Feelings....

After everything that we have been through as individuals, as a couple and as parents, I often feel like since we have experienced some really hard and terrible situations in the past 7 years, that it is sort of a mission for me to try and help every single person who is going through their own rough times that were similar to ours.  Since I found out my aunt had cancer, clear up till I found out she was terminl and even after she passed away, I have thought that if I could just help other people with cancer feel safe, loved and comforted it might ease my heartache.  I know that I technically am reliving my trauma over and over through that of others.  I cant ignore their need for support and I cant deny that I feel certain levels of empathy for their situations.  I sort of feel like now that our life is on a semi controlled, or more regular positive incline that I am obligated to show support for others.  I feel like I dont want anyone to ever have to go through what we have along this long, trecherous winding road called our life.  So I have continued over the past 5 years to be there and show my support for those who need it.  People say that I put myself out there too much and that I cant help everyone, but as I have matured and grown as a human being, woman, mother, daughter, student, wife and member of my community I have realized that it is our responsibility to take care of eachother however necessary.  Thinking back to when I was 15, 18, 21 years old....i would never have pictured myself in this type of life or even saying these words.  However I guess being in the psychology and human services field I always try to over analyze things and try to overextend myself.  I do love helping people though.....I just hope that someday I will be able to say that I have made a positive difference for someone if not for myself.  This is one of those blog entries where I feel like I have lready said too much.  I guess thats the point though!

Successful day in sicky sick lala land.....NOT!

Made it to the doctor this morning to have the doctor tell me what I already know.  Surprise surprise!  I'm sick.....bring on the antibiotics.  An upper respiratory infection, and eczema in the ears.  Never heard that one before but it does explain the non stop itching.  Oh and apparently I need an inhaler for my asthma.  I am a hot mess!  Minus the hot!  So here I sit spilling my guts about my productive day and as I say this I am remembering everything that I didnt get done.  So I think for a change I am going to play like I have a head injury.  The only excuse I can come up with is that I misplaced my 8 lists reminding me of the things I need to accomplish.  Without lists I am vapor!  Maybe I should download an app for my phone that act as lists so I always have them.....knowing my luck I will need a list to remind me to make a list.  My husband doesn't get to have all the fun around here.  Sometimes I wonder if he truly forgets to do things or if he uses the TBI as an excuse for screw ups.  Such as cereal in the fridge, milk in the pantry, dirty laundry into the washer not the dryer, or such instances as double booking appointments, forgetting to pick our child up....or is this just a man thing?  A good one is waiting over a year to make an appointment to have a recall issue adressed with our truck.  We recieved a notice in the mail stating that there was a recall issue with a part on our truck that needed replaced or repaired.  The consequences if this wasnt corrected was that the truck could stop running while driving down the road and cause a collision.  So guess what happens.....I am driving down the road last week....in the truck.  As I am rounding a rather sharp corner the truck does this thing where it just turns off.....everything....no lights.....no steering....no gauges.....nothing.  So as I round the corner I notice that the truck is hard to steer and I almost cant make the corner to avoid oncoming traffic.  As I coast to a stop going 30 mph on a busy corner, I am lucky to get this beast of a truch fully off the shoulder out of the way of traffic.  I call a tow truck, call a ride and leave my husband a voicemail explaining the issue since he never answers that ringing piece of technology known to connect two people in a conversational situation....aka his cell phone.  Then he gets home and his dad was able to start it right up no problem.  We are obviously stumped after going through all of the possible issues.  Well as I was tearing my house apart in a fury yesterday during operation find specific document, among a clusterfuck of both necessary papers and unecessary papers;  Army, Marine Corps, VA, and other crap, all squished into a file cabinet in a rather unorganized I dont give a shit sort of manner.  I begin to organize not only the file cabinet, but the rest of the house.  By this time I was so pissed off cause everything was everywhere, I just happened to see this paper tacked to the husband's "to do list" board.  It was sort of poking out from behind another paper and I almost didnt see it.  I see of course that the paper clearly says Nissan right on it.  I open the paper and of course it was the recall notice.  Its states that an Engine Control Module relay may over time may cause the engine to stop running while the vehicle is in motion increasing risk of a crash.  Well no shit!  I wasnt sure whether to scream or laugh.....so I did both.  I held on to this paper so tightly until he came home and of course I had to show him the paper and explain the consequences for what this means.  I could have died in that truck and later the repair shop would have said, there was a recall and your negligence in taking proper action to resolve the issue caused your truck to crash.  Bye Bye wifey.....lol.  Anyways I am not mad about it.....but I cant leave him alone for a second.  Atleast he hasnt accidentally left the stove on.  He does however misplace his cell phone, wallet, keys, hat, sunglasses, and handicapped parking permit on a daily basis.  He is always asking me. where's the remote, have you seen my happy sock (night time shrinker stump sock), have you seen my chew (unfortunately that always gets found).  Never underestimate your husband's ability to forget anything and everything at any given time.  I think TBIs are contagious.....lol.....

You need a document....lmao....take a number!

The husband needs a specific document for school registration.....he was in for just over 7 years, two branches, deployment, injuries, progress notes, medical records, file cabinets, manilla envelopes, paperclips.....uhhhh......I have no idea where to begin.....can I just blow it all up an begin again.....there has to be a better system.....do I really really neeeeed to keep every single paper.....cause what I really want to do is roast marshmallows over the embers.....sigh! I suppose.....here we go.....I really dont want to do this.....ok if anyone needs me I will be in the closet sucking my thumb rocking back and forth!

I feel like a sloth, smell like a yeti and look like a cavern beast!

I would just like to say that I do not like being sick at all. Whats even more worse is if Bill gets sick. When he gets sick his pain multiplies twice as fast as he would put it' "able bodied people." So I am hiding in my dark cave in my hoodie, under the blankets watching really bad TV. Reality shows, Dr. Phil, Sy Yes To The Dress, E!, Hillbilly Handfishing.....I have officially hit rock bottom in the what not to watch department. I should be doing homework but what I really want to do is burn my homework and take a shower. The shower takes effort and energy that I seem to have run out of.....and the dishes need washed which will indefinately not be on my to do list today....someone else can do that. However, someone else wont do that! As I sit and ponder my possibilities for the day I realize that Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away. We dont get paid until the day before we are supposed to eat an ass load of food. So I will likely have to climb from the depths of my overstuffed blankie pile to go to the store. If we become out of anything then whoever I send to recover said items from the grocery store will get everything I dont need and nothing that I do need. Which leaves me in charge of obtaining said items. Milk (skim rich orange cap), white bread, (which I dont even eat), candycane hot cocoa (cause I like it), some fresh veggies (cause I need to eat them if I want to survive), and two turkeys (think I will just go to the butcher to get them this year).........but until I muster up the energy to take that shower, mama aint goin anywhere! If there is no white bread the world may end.....its ok though cause I have nyquil and melatonin.....so I wont be there for it!

I wish I were a fish....I am all over the place lol

Not really cause fish are yummy.....I was just sitting thinking.....sometimes I think too much and the I over analyze things. Havent gotten the dishwasher yet, but I am counting the days. Did get the oven fixed though so I was able to make Bill's sister's wedding cake. That was a whole new level of stress that I dont ever want to feel again. This cake was massive. I reay dislike making huge cakes that nobody is going to eat.....I think people underestimate the costto make these ginormous cakes and how much waste there will be. I thnk I am going to stick to cupcakes, small cakes, cookies and pastries. I like to do mini things, so I am going to focus on that. avent started the work out regime...I ended up getting a very painful ingrown hair in a very explicit area and it kept me from being able to really work out and it even affected how I walk and other things lol. So it has mostly healed and my doctor said I can start doing things that are more physical. Going to go swimming in the pool for the first time in over a month. I recently made a to do list for the hubby because we severely need to make some necessary repairs around the house. So he wasshocked by the list but he agreed. I was hoping that this would give him some man duties to do around here. He has hobbies which is good because I would rather him do something that iterests him than sitting on his ass being bored. He has become quite the outdoorsman lately. Gold panning, camping, racing and fixing RC cars, disc golf, riding his hand cycle, fishing (very successfully), and soon hunting. This means i have recently learned how to identify certain RC car parts and qualitites, what a blue bowl and a grizzly bar is, what different weights of discs are for, what a plug is, how to make a steelhead lure, what certain guns are for and why you cant just use a 22 for hunting....and I learned this summer how to start a fire with magnesium.....I am glad he has hobbies but I think I will stay indoors and do my wifey duties....cooking, baking, filleting fish, some ceaning duties, and such. Which makes me think I wanna make some cookies......I am haing a ladies movie night coming up oon so that should be fun. I am on a week long break from the hubby since he is in San Diego for his sports clinic thing. I am kind of wondering why there is never any kind of getaways for the ladies....kind of shitty cause I always get left at home with the kids and all the housework while he gets to do the fun stuff....lol....my day will come....cant really count the symposium a vacation because it was an emotional week of work and stress. I really didnt want to be there after realizing that it was the AFAP conference.....I am nonsupportive toward the Army unless its for the better good of the wounded and their families....I still cant get alot of my hatred toward them out of me....someday life will be splendipity....lol....still a battle from time to time....well enough ranting for now.

Fatty McFatpants wants a dishwasher and a brownie?

I have been washing dishes by hand for a couple years now....seems like forever....but I get a dishwasher soon....and we finally ordered the part to fix the oven....I will be back in the technologically advanced era of housework....ugh....housework....atleast the machine will wash the dishes for me and the oven is alot better for baking than a toaster oven....major plus for me right now. I have also ordered a new cardio aerobics dvd set and I am going to try it....I told Bill that and he said another dvd huh. Yeah so I have been depressed for many years and lacked alot of motivation to take care of myself. The comment didnt help the motivation issue. So yeah after the weights, the bands, the step and pump class, the PE class, the YMCA membership, the Zumba dvds and the Wii fit.....I am a complete failure at getting motivated....so sue me....anyway here we go again....I wanna say that this time is different but I am getting excited about it and I am going to try TurboFire....it looks fun and energizing which may be what I need....we shall see....I just dont want to be an angry fat girl anymore. I wanna be the person everyone wants to be around. I wanna be able to look at a brownie and say eww where's the fruit plate....but I open the fride, glance at the salad and the semi healthy variety and shut the fridge and go for the crap....I dont know why but I hate it. I wanna step on the scale and be able to smile and I want my husband to look at me and say damn girl you are fine....but it has been a long time since I have heard that.....years....many of years....I get you look beautiful or you smell good, or you are pretty....but when you feel completely shitty about yourself there is nothing anyone can tell you that will register in your brain as being a truthful fact. Which is where I have been. I wasnt even this big when I was full term pregnant with a nine pound baby rolling around inside me....a size 20. Its gross, its embarassing, its a huge smack in the face and almost feels like a punishment for something....like karma is saying I deserved this. I have been so close to just accepting that this is me and maybe I was meant to be like this. I lost 15 pounds this past spring....then gained it back faster than I lost it....its very discouraging. So I am attempting aonce again to regain myself image....not for anyone else but for me....I wanna be comfortable and I want to be able to love myself and be healthy....I hope this works....I am not taking the easy way out either with surgery or diet pills I am going to use good ol' fashion hard work....I am in for an awakening....crap here we go fasten your seatbelts....

technology rocks...

so i have just learned how to blog from my phone....ranting at the flip of a phone and the swipe of a button....sweet. so here goes....lol maybe i will blog more often now....we shall see.

I am a slacker....ugh....sorry

Funny I never got farther than a title on this post and it was sitting in the edit me area of the blog department waitng for me to come back and rekindle what I was thinking at the time I began this post....truth is I have no damn idea....lol....and my husband is the one with all of the head trauma....psht

I can admit

Ok I know that we should all be open minded and unbiased.....but its hard sometimes....I do try really hard....I just have a low tolerance for self induced stupidity (people who make themselves stupid by being stupid) not stupid people who just dont know any better....ok this is how I see it....there are people who just never really learned common sense and then there are the ones who are really really intelligent but let greed block the brain signal which allows a person to make reliable and responsible judgements based on what is truly acceptable in the world of "Hello what the fuck are you thinking".....AKA normal society if that even exists anymore....here is an example....a person driving 60 in the left lane when the speed limit is clearly 65 talking on the cell phone while eating a bowl of soup....I think she left the important part of herself back at the waffle house and what I really want to do is hit the gas and ram her with my truck so that she drops her cell phone, spills her hot soup on her $80 jeans and looks in the morror and realizes that she made some very "STUPID" choices....like getting into her car for one....people like that should just stay home....or die! Her greed allowed her to make those choices based on the mirage that she was the only person on the highway at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday....really....I have mastered the highway brake check also for people who believe that wherever it is that they have to go is way more important than everyone else on the highway....so they apparently must drive 85.....tailgate me and honk when I am already going 72 so that I can hurry ups and pass the dillhole in the slow lane swerving around in his lane cause he cant find whatever it was he dropped on the floorboard of his car....so then they honk at me....curse me....flip me off cause I dont want a ticket for speeding....no instead I tap the brakes and make them think that they are going to crash into the back of me....this works especially well when they give the oh shit look as they realize that they are way too close to my rear bumber for comfort....or then there is the lady that thinks she is badass cause she is driving her husband's bad ass huge truck lifted with the huge wheels and the chrome and the stereo that is up so loud that not only does she forever injure her children's tiny eardrums from the amount of base pumping out of her amplifier....but she doesnt hear the firetruck coming from a distance either....so instead of getting over off to the side like non stupid people do she tries to light a cigarette while driving and ends up rearending a car in front of her that was doing the right thing and pushes that car in front of an oncoming truck killing the children in that car. Or the ladies in Walmart on black friday that trample an old lady when the store opens cause their greed has driven them to clearly act like an animal

Creativity is the best therapy

So since the VA is payin me to get some higher learnin I figured that it would be the perfect time to get some art therapy at the goverment's expense. I will need a certain amount of elective credits anyway so I am getting them in now while I am not the one paying for it. So last spring I took water colors....it was a great class and I had never painted with water colors before. Now I love it! I was always more of an oil and acrylic painter. Now I can say I have done a little of everything. This term I am taking ceramics handbuilding. I have worked with clay before but not in this extreme. So far I have made a flower pot, 2 small pinch pots, a turtle which my 5 year old has alreadt claimed, two oversized mugs and we are getting ready to do ceramic tile carvings. I have my clay slabs rolled out nad cut to size now I am working on ideas of what to carve in them. We have been also learning about firing, glazes and glaze science. Its so interesting and fun. Its nice because while I am working in the studio or the workshop I dont really thin of anything else. If I am having an off day then I can punch clay or build something and then squash it and start over. We have specific requirments to learn techniques but in general when we arent working on the required projects....we get to do whatever we want as long as it is something constructive. So these art classes are like creative freedom molded into therapy. Its nice because every Friday for 5 hours I can just get away from reality and just be myself in a creative way with no husband, no kids, no drama, its just me and the clay and I get to block out life for those 5 hours. If I want also on Mondays and Wednesdays I can go in there and work from noon to 5....so honestly I can do this three days a week. The only thing that isnt included in tuition is the tools and clay which isnt bad considering that you get everything you need at your fingertips whenever you need it. It is a time consuming process of hurry up and wait when your pieces are drying but its like magic watching them transform from a ball of wet clay, to a dry peice of clay, to a bisque fired object, to a glazed fully fired fully operational work of art that you build with your hands and a few tools. Most of the pieces that we build are very useable. Ceramic bowls, mugs, cups, teapots, birdbaths, plates, jars, banks, cookie jars, vases, stepping stones, ornaments, and basic decorations. I saw a flying pig, a teapot with a cock as the spout, beautiful flower pots, giant shiny vases, handmade ceramic anything.....if you can imagine it then you can build it. I think next term I will take a drawing class, or maybe sculpting....who knows my possibilities are unimagineabley huge. I used to be very creative and artsy before Bill and I got together...I used to draw, paint, write poetry and then when he got hurt and my son was born I guess I kind of lost the feeling I get when I create something. I am slowly beginning to get it back and it feels really good. I have heard before that art and creativity is a good way to either escape or to release....I think that is why I am so in love with the arts. My advice to anyone who reads this....take a class and learn something you have never done before. Get creative, build something, paint something, get a hobby....do something for yourself....because if I know most women do more for others than for themselves....I decided that it is my turn to do something that I love. Dont wait and regret that you never tried something....do it while you have the chance....then maybe you can teach someone else.

And I'm back!

I have just been reminded about how important it is to blog...especially when there isnt always a humanoid type of person around to vent to....or atleast one that will understand your inadequecies and kids just dont count because I try not to involve them in my depressing ventures in spouse on spouse combat. I cant remember if I blogged about this but back in September my Aunt Becky (my favorite and closest relative besides my parents) passed away from a two year long battle with cancer. They were able to remove her breast cancer and kill the cells with radiation but the cancer that surrounded her heart, lungs and esophagus came back even worse after a short time in remission. After two years of chemo, radiation and alot of ups and downs she passed away in her sleep the day after I said my goodbyes. The doctor informed her that survival at this point was a matter of how bad she wanted to live....more treatment may not have been able to save her life. So the doctor declared her terminal and she decided to go off her meds and just live as normal as possible until that day came. She went in not long after she stopped the chemo and radiation and had her PET scan and the tumors had taken over her body and they were everywhere. Although she was dying she looked ok and seemed chipper. I seen her on a Friday and by the next week she had become bloated, and really couldnt sit up on her own anymore. She couldnt talk and I think was in the process of letting go. I really thought that by going to see her that I could sit and chat with her and maybe reminisce a bit. I had no idea that I would really actually be witnessing her in the act of dying. In the time leading up to this moment that I dreaded, I kind of just told myself she would be fine and that the cancer would just go away and maybe the doctors were wrong. In doing this I completely ignored reality and what was going to happen. I hid my pain, I drowned my worry in keeping busy. There was nothing wrong, out of sight out of mind. The hard part was when she called and told me that she was going through her things and setting up boxes of her stuff that she wanted members of the family to have. She didnt want people fighting like they did when grandma and grandpa died. She was being smart and caring and was wrapping up loose ends and I hated that. I said why are you doing that you have plenty of time. I got my box and I left it sitting for a while and when she passed I kind of wish I wouldve spent more time with her. Other members of the family probably thought I just didnt care or didnt love her but the truth is that I was scared to have to see her and know that she was going to be leaving me forever and there wasnt anything that I could do about it. She was and always will be the most caring, creative, loving, respectful, honest, and fun person that I have ever loved. She was like a mother to me when mine wasnt around. She cared for me like another child and I was her only niece so we had a bond I guess you could say. I had a different relationship with her than I have with the rest of my family. When I went to visit her for the last time I expected her to wake up and say hi and she just layed there. She was in her night shirt on her bed and she was kind of lightly moaning I guess and I leaned in to kiss her cheek and I thought there is no way that her cheek should be that warm and soft if she was about to die. I told her that I loved her and I got no response but I know she knew I was there. She died the next night quietly and painlessly in her bed, her husband and her son was there with her. When I got the call I was in bed almost asleep and my phone rang....it was late....I knew when I saw who it was that I was in for a long night. I spent the rest of the night crying hoping to fall asleep and wake up and everything would be reversed and she didnt really die I was just dreaming. That was my hope....but hoping for the best wasnt a reality. She was gone....not just on a trip but gone forever. No more hugs, no more baking together, no more Relay fundraisers, no more calling Auntie Becky when I had a dilema. I still have her phone number programmed in my cell phone and sometimes I just play the ringer so I can pretend she is calling me. It has been 4 1/2 months and some days I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I joined Relay For Life because of her and she was my second in command, my team captain. We had two Relay seasons together while she was battling cancer and this year will be the first year without her at Relay and it is going to be hard. I can tell myself that I wont be devestated when they do the survivor lap and she isnt in it, or when we light the luminaria and her name is on a bag in memory of instead of in honor of, or when we set up and she isnt there to grip about how I set things up....I dont know what will happen but there will be tears and there will be somber moments....more so than before. I have decided to dedicate this Relay season in memory of her. She was my reason for participating and now its the event that I put the most work into each year. I want my part in this to mean something and in doing all of this venting I changed our team name and I am giving the team a fresh start so that we can continue and celebrate her life as if she were still here. I will post pics of Relay in July and I have some great new ideas for our tent site and I wish that she was here for me to share them with. For now they are top secret ideas and will be revealed in due time. This is the first time I have openly discussed this in depth. My feelings are still all over and I am still unable to accept why this happened to her. I guess that question may never be answered but atleast she had a fulfilling life with people who loved her. She didnt get the chance to be a grandma or to grow old and retire properly....but she was loved and she knew that.