A home called hell.....

SO on top of my huband being absolutely positive that his dead mother who killed herself is haunting us and has cursed our house.....we cant seem to keep up on repairs on our house that is slowly falling apart piece by piece. Not only is it just old and apparently fragile....it isnt the type of sturdily built home made for someone with ptsd. Everything was put together very cheap and almost half assed when it was built back when I was 10 years old.....it was for sale by owner and we were desperate with our son close to being born. A tiny two bedroom apartment wouldnt cut it for long. Do we bought this house. Small 1000 sq. ft home with three bedrooms, a decent sized yard and it was in a quiet culdesac next to a park. What could get better than that right. This is what happens when you look at right now in the moment instead of down the road into the future. Who would have guessed the economy would go flat like an old lady's butt. It is hard enough to get someone with severe ptsd and severe injuries to put their clothes away and clean up after themselves and them still have enough patience, energy and motivation to work on their house....especially when a portion of the repairs are as a direct result of anger, ptsd, rage, unfortunate wheelchair damage and mishaps that may have been preventable. So once things begin to go bad, the repairs begin to stack up and before you know it nothing works, everything is broke and that causes more chaos on top of the aready unstable environment in which I limbo. SO here is a list of current projects that are either half started, half finished or just lingering for lack of motivation:

Dishwasher.....broke....leaked....we removed it....now no dishawasher
Replaced Fridge
Replaced Range
Replacing broken and leaking kitchen faucet as we speak
Finally after 3 years hooked up the water that makes ice in our fridge
Multiple holes in walls, doors, closets,
Burned out TV bulb....no tv in our livingroom now....those things are over $100 bucks...sheesh
Our garage door is broken....wont open.....at all
Our electrical is fried....some outlets work....some dont....some flip breakers....some blow bulbs
Our hardwood floor is coming apart
The carpet in the kid's bedrooms is so stained and gross
Our yard floods
Finally got grass
Our bathtub faucet.....drips constantly.....super annoying
The fan and lights in the bathroom have a short and turn off whenever they want
Missing closet doors
The inside is half painted and half not
Our back garage door no longer locks without a makeshfit latch that my husband installed
Our front door is broken and barely stays shut when not locked
The trim is coming away from the doors and walls
There is no trim on a bunch of our doors
Replaced the range hood
Relaced toilet
Widened bedroom and our bathroom doors for wheelchair access.....crappy job well done.....lol

I am probably missing some things but of course I think this is a pretty good idea of the kinds of things we are working on. Its a slow process though because my husband isnt in the kind of shape as a contractor is....he is still having surgeries from his injuries back in 2004. SO I really would like a little bit of understanding from people when I say I am or have been too busy to be a human being. I feel more like a robot on auto pilot or a zombie or something. Anyway as of now my husband is under the sink, leg off, trying to fix a leak that has occured from the installation of the hose that goes to the fridge to make tha water work to make ice.....he was going to install the new faucet.....but he got stuck fixing the leak first before he even got to the faucet.....its so tragic and annoying at the same time. Hopefully I will buy that huge winning lottery ticket some day when I can afford to take a gamble on that possibility....so if I say I am busy.....then that means I am. Nobody has a clue about my life and what I deal with everyday. I cannot even speak the proper words to describe my feelings and the ins and outs of my life.....I cant explain it now and I probably will never be able to. Thats just the way it is.....and when someone asks how I am doing and they get a blank stare.....should I feel guilty about giving that look or should I feel like a bitch when someone inquires of my well being and I just give them a twisted smile that makes me look half depressed and psychotic. Whatever.....thats all I got at times....its hard to pull a fake smile outta my ass.....I thought I would be an expert at faking how I am feeling but I just got so tired of putting on an act that now I just dont care. Argggg.....venting over.....sometimes I love blogging and sometimes I feel like its a waste of time but who else am I gonna talk to.....hahahahahahaha.....exactly.

Gone or lost.....but not forgotten

Losing a friend isnt like losing your car keys or your favorite pair of earrings. Its more like losing....well it isnt like losing anything else in the world. One day that are there making you laugh, being a helping hand, changing the world and gone the next. I dont have religious beliefs like some people do so I cant make assumptions on where people go when they die. From previous experience they are either burned into a chunky ashy substance to be spread about some beautiful location of your choice.....or they are drained of their being and thrown into a box to spend the rest of eternity being fertilizer. Its not much to look forward to when you are close to death. Most people dont have the option to know when they are going to die. I wouldnt want that constant reminder that my time is almost up. I dont want to have to feel different about my life and the way I have chosen to live it. I dont want to be on a timer.....that doesnt seem right or fair. When its my time I just hope that I am able to go peacefully in my sleep. I really shouldnt be rambling on about death....it isnt my most favorite topic for discussion. Lately though I have been thinking about it slightly more than not. I found out last year that my aunt, who I always considered my favorite and was somewhat like a mother to me when my own mother wasnt, had cancer. Two different types. She spent a whole year battling through chemo and radiation and all the other miscellaneous crap people deal with when they have cancer. After all this treatment and a lumpectomy she had scans done and her cancer was gone but they wanted her to continue being seen every so often to monitor her status. Well not too long after her cancer came back full force and so she had to start all this treatment over again only this time the chemo and radiation was much stronger and much more brutal. I couldnt imagine what it was like for her. She recently found out that her treatments were no longer working and that the cancer was spreading to other parts of her body. So she is officially no considered a terminal cancer patient. She has went off all treatments and is just continuing her life as she normally would until she can no longer function. I am not looking forward to that day or any other days after that. Its sad for me and so very unfortunate for our whole family because we arent just losing aunt becky.....we will be losing a wonderful, caring, creative, supportive, confident, outgoing, beautiful aunt, mother, sister, friend and human being. Which brings me to the recent death of my friend Craig, AKA Chili. He passed away on the 4th of July....the toxocology results arent back yet but his service will be sometime in the next week or so. Chili was a very good friend....he was very loyal, caring, generous, appreciative, outspoken, outgoing, obnoxious at times but we loved him for it. He helped me out when times where crazy and I had no one else to talk to. He was the first person I talked to just after hearing about Bill getting injured in Iraq. Chili being a former Marine had the knowlege and contacts to call around and get more information on Bill's status in Bagdad and Landschtul if thats even spelled right. He got me in contact with people who could give me information however very little. Chili was there for me when nobody else was. I thank him so much for that. He dated one...or more of my close friends and it was always aweful to see him treat them like queens and them treat him horible back. He had ongoing psychological issues with bi-polar disorder, schitzo effective disorder, ptsd, and was still at rock bottom from the drowning death of his toddler son. The VA never treated him fairly and almost never gave him the proper care. He ended up homeless and crazy at one point after one of his episodes.....did some jail time before being moved to a psych facility. He never really stood a chance because nobody but a few close friends could see into him regardless of his mental ailments. As a precaution I had to withhold my residence from him only for the safety and well being of my children. I regret having to do that but sometimes you have to protect your own from people even if they are important to you in some way. Its sad and unfortunate and I feel bad about not being there for him more as he was for all of us. It really is a tragic situation and we will miss him greately. Two years ago my friend Chayla who once dated Chili was also found dead in an alleged suicide attempt. So lately as you can see ever since Bill was almost killed in Iraq in 2004.....I have been surrounded by hell, death and destruction. Not sure what to make of all this.....but I just want a moment to breathe between losses.....its exhausting. My husband may not have perished in Iraq but part of him never came back and I am dealing with that daily still. As a result part of myself is also missing....hopefully it will be where my lost ipod is and my guchi sunglasses are.....I am hopeful.

In the news....my news that is!

Most recent headlines.......I am fat.....my husband can officially run down our hallway.....my husband's disability check is late (go figure).....my kids are determined to break me......my dog puked in my livingroom.....the cat pissed in the bathroom and my son likes to shoot people....(zombie nazis)....and here comes a huge sigh....my 11 year old has boobs a butt and an attitude the size of alaska.....my husband is addicted to fishing for fish that are obviously (no offense Mr. Congo) smarter than him....he cant remember shit.....I cant hear shit....kids wont listen to shit....pms sucks....prostetics almost never fit.....drugs dont help anything.....our house is possessed.....car's breaks are screaming at me again.....the neighbors assume that as soon as July begins it is the 4th.....I have eight lighbulbs burned out and could care less.....my ice maker doesnt make ice.....my phone is going dead.....and I am losing my mind.....I am sure I will find it eventually.....like they say the journey is almost always better than the destination.....but all I have to say is.....ARE WE THERE YET????